Oh my gosh, my life

...is basically over because yesterday evening we welcomed into the world the newest baby to have me wrapped around their finger: baby Blake.
This is my brother's newest son, and boy am I in love. So stinkin' cute.
I went to the hospital and Psalm 139 just kept repeating in my mind. If you've never read it, haven't read it in a while, or you just read it- you should go read it again (or for the first time) right now because it is my favorite chapter in the Bible and it is beautiful. And it rang new to me as I am expecting one day it will again when I'm becoming a mother myself- God knit together this beautiful little baby while he was in my brother's wife's womb. Blake's frame wasn't hidden from God in the secret place. God saw Blake before He was formed.  And every word that Blake will ever say, God knows. Even now before a single one of them have came to be. My prayer for baby Blake is that his words are those that bring honor and glory to Christ's name. My prayer for Blake is that all the days of his life, he will know the peace and comfort that comes from calling Jesus your best friend.

Happy Friday!

Ahhhhh. For the first time in what seems like ever, I am having a good Friday! I mean, we have our Bible study every Friday night and that always brings joy to my heart, but today, from start to, well it's not finished yet, so to now, I have been having a good day.
I woke up in my normal anti morning funk, which is usual. But when I left for school I saw one of the most beautiful skies I have ever seen. It wasn't really a sunrise, more than just a beautiful picture God wanted to bless me with today:

I just stood in wonder of God's majesty when I saw this. I was so grateful for who God was and is and will be because I serve a God that is constantly trying to connect with me in real and deep ways. Sometimes I don't think that I am in the sate of mind to hear God speak to me like I desperately want him to. Then there are times like this, in this moment in my life when I can see something some would chalk to science and know without a doubt that this is the Master, painting for me a beautiful skyline, reminding me that beauty is real and love is present.

I feel so blessed in this moment, and I'm sure anyone else who saw the beautiful sky this morning felt it was painted for them. And I believe it was. 

I love when God speaks to His people. And I love that He doesn't use boring words. He shows us.

I am so thankful that He shows us!

Sometimes, all I have left is knowing that in Christ, love never fails. I know I took this picture with two rings representative of marriage, but it goes so far beyond that. Marriage is representative with how Christ loves the church. And Christ's love never fails.

I LOVE THAT.

What a Blessing

This is Walter. He's one of the sweet children that I have had the privilege to get to know this past year. We look for each other when my group goes over there each month, and little Walter stays by my side for the majority of the evening. I love this little guy so much!

My heart today:

Today, I don't know what I want to write about but there is so much in my heart today (and this week, and this month and yeah you get the point) that I feel like I need to start writing some of it down to make room for all of these expanding emotions. For starters, I am mostly excited and happy. God has so deeply been opening my eyes to how profound His blessings are on me. Too many to accurately write about them with as much detail as they each deserve. And I lately have been so beyond impressed with God and all that He seems to want to do for me. The things He shows me, the things He says to me, they are things that He doesn't have to show me or say to me. He does all things because He loves me. He wants to share things with me, He wants me to know who He is and He wants to be with me.
He wants to bless me.
And too often I either don't realize that something is a blessing (most common in my life), or I choose to dwell on the opposite of God's blessings: Satan's attacks. I wish I could simply say I don't think I am alone on this, but sadly I would wager to say that everyone at one point has fallen victim to this grotesque fact about Satan: whenever God is raining blessings, Satan is spitting curses.
And like most good things, God's blessings often times come with a price that we are not qualified to pay. Too often times we allow ourselves to wallow in the curses Satan fires at us, and we are so angry and hurt and frustrated that we usually miss the point: Satan doesn't attack us for no reason. Why would he? Why would he waste his time like that? No, Satan's biggest and most hurting attacks come either right before God moves mightily, while God is in our midsts moving, or right after we have seen God do something incredible and we've made it (yet again) to that spiritual mountaintop.
But as we are at the top a strong wind that smells of jealousy, hurtful words, shame, doubt, chaos, tragedy, or a mixture knocks us down and instead of holding on to the mountainside of God's righteousness, we allow Satan to push us all the way down until the hurt we now feel gets too much to bear and we look up and beg God to take us back.
What is most ridiculous is that He does.
God NEVER says, "Oh now you want me." or "I told you so." No, He is so enthralled that we are back to Him that He forgets about how we let Satan get the better of us. (Read Luke 15:11-32)
Oh my goodness, how great is our God.
And this has been me lately.
Too much lately.
I will feel God so completely; I will be basking in His grace and Holiness and I am growing so deep in my relationship with Him. But like clockwork, Satan comes to steal my joy, and lately I have been letting him. He's been getting me through hateful words, through hurtful things friends have said (albeit unbeknown to them,), through confusion and uncertainty and mixed signals and blah blah blah.
And I let Satan rob me. I basically invite him in for a cup of coffee and then I give him some cookies and then I give him my joy and he's on his merry little way. And Jesus is standing there saying, "but, I gave you that joy. And I wanted us to share it.".
Double ouch.
I guess where this post ended up was how lately, I have been letting Satan rob me and that is something that honestly needs to stop. God's blessings are so good and beautiful, and I want to spend all of my time praising God for who He is and what He does in my life over anything else.
So Satan you can have anything you want. Just not my joy.
My prayer for those who read these words is that you would keep your joy as well.

Peace,
Ashlee

Matthew 5:8

Blessed are the pure in heart for they shall see God.

Blessed are the pure in heart for they shall see God.
They. Shall. See. God.
I want to see God. I want to see perfect beauty. I want to know God completely. I want to know every gorgeous facet that makes God so praiseworthy.
I want to be pure in heart before the King of Kings.
The thought of actually seeing God- of gazing at His face- seeing perfection- this is a scary and wonderful thought for me. I cannot imagine. But I also cannot imagine being pure in heart. Completely pure in heart. That is something that I am struggling with daily. I've shared before, I am dealing with a lot of emotions that have thrown me off balance. And I am worried most that I am letting my personal desires let me stray from my Godly desires.
But here is when my life takes a turn for the uncool:
These off the wall desires are Christ centered. So my dilemma is whether or not I can trust these emotions or not. When it comes down to it, I am trusting God and trusting that these emotions are valid through Him. If they are not, then I am also trusting that God has a good reason for not answering my repititious prayer to remove these feelings and desires.
My prayer today has been another if this is what it takes prayer. Today's prayer went a lot like this: God if it  takes my heart being broken for Your plan for my life to take shape; if somehow it takes my heart to be crushed and broken in order for me to fulfill the plan that You have designed for me then I pray that You would break my heart daily to use me. I have never had this mindset before but this whatever it takes mentality is sticking with me. I am certain this is a good thing, but it is a new thing and I am still adjusting to this new me. It's like my internal computer got an upgrade. I don't know how to respond to everything, and the old part of me is saying, hold on! Now don't go making all these promises like this!
But this whatever it takes Ashlee isn't listening, and there is a deep comfort that comes when you realize you do not care about yourself: old or new- there is a joy that comes when your only desire comes from chasing God's heart.

Jehovah Jireh

the LORD will Provide.

The question on my heart is if I truly believe that. Do I really believe that God is going to provide for me? Jehovah Jireh originated when God told Abraham to go to Moriah and sacrifice Isaac, his son-his only son-as a burnt offering to the Lord. If we review Abraham's life, we can understand why he immediately obeyed God (because, after all, God repeatedly demonstrated how He's not messing around). But still, a part of me wonders what Abraham must have been thinking. The book of Hebrews gives us some insight: Hebrews brings up the idea that Abraham knew that God's promises were true, valid, honest and sacred. One of God's promises to Abraham just happened to be that through Isaac, Abraham would be the father of many nations.

So instead of saying, "hey God, what's this about? A few chapters ago You said that Isaac was going to bring me many nations- well how is that going to happen if he's dead?", Abraham had the mindset of, "God promised that Isaac would bring me descendants. Well that hasn't happened yet so obviously God is going to do something mighty." At this point in the Bible, the idea of resurrection had never arose- for lack of a better term. It had never happened. But Abraham believed it could happen. He believed God could do things He had never done before.

Despite how Abraham tried to assist God in the past (like that Hagar mess), I venerate Abraham's faith that God was going to do something awesome: Abraham's faith was blind.

He took Isaac, bound him, and laid him on the altar. As he's about to 'sacrifice' his son, God speaks to Abraham and tells him to stop. Abraham sees a ram caught in the bushes and recognizes God's provision.

And the question that is on my heart is this: can I trust God with my Isaac? Can I trust Him with what I hold closest to my heart right now? 

It wasn't difficult or time consuming to acknowledge what my Isaac is. If I could sum it up with as little detail and complication as possible, I would describe my Isaac as my desires for my future.

For the past eight or so months, I have felt certain desires that feel like they are straight from God's lips. Things that have been bathed in prayer, feelings that have not changed. Feelings that have instead grown and become more deeply rooted in my soul.

This is my Isaac.

Do I trust God with what I believe are His future plans for my life?

Beyond that, will I still praise Him if this turns out not to be what He has for me?

Lately, my heart's deepest prayer has centered around a six letter sentence. If this is what it takes. 

If it takes 200 people slandering me to get those 200 people to hear about You, Lord if this is what it takes, then I pray that I take up my cross daily to follow you.

If You need to be silent now, and if You need to let me hold on to these desires a little longer, regardless of Your plan for my life or how it might break me later, God if this is what it takes for Your plan to take it's shape then I pray that You would break my heart daily in order to follow Your will for my life.

I don't know what God has in store for me in the future- not even for tomorrow. But I know that He is a beautiful God who can only produce beautiful things.

So I am laying my Isaac at the altar and I am expecting beauty. If God allows me to keep my Isaac, then praise be to the King of Kings. But if God removes this Isaac from my life, then praise will still be to the King of Kings.

And that is the absolute end of discussion.