When God Talks Back

This might shock some people, what I'm about to say. It's pretty radical, and a little out-there.

But.

Daily devotional time will radicalize your prayer life. I'm living, breathing, testifying evidence.

I'll be honest with you. I've never in my life done a devotional for more than three days. I've always wanted to want to do a daily devotional, but I just never had the drive.

But I was walking through a bookstore about a month ago when I decided to give it another go. I happen to know this girl who, although is only a handful of birthdays older than me, I've grown to love and respect, and seek her counsel. She often stands as an example of what a Godly woman looks like for me (no pressure, right!), and she has seriously impeccable taste in just about everything. So I shot her a quick text, asking her if she knew of any particularly great devotionals. She replied with two words.

Jesus Calling.

That's literally all the text said. So I walked over to the 'religion' section of the book store, and there it was. This really beautiful little leather-bound book. I read what it was about and opened to one of the days. It seemed pretty good so I figured, what do I possibly have to lose, other than a couple of bucks?

That's the beginning of how I found one of the most life-changing books I've ever read.

I'll admit: I've had some off days. Some days I get caught up in life and Jesus Calling gets pushed back. But I can honestly say a month later and most days I still wake up thinking, I get to hear from God today. And I truly mean that.
I won't get into everything right now, but I can tell you that on two very specific days what was written was word for word exactly what I had prayed about. And every single day, the day's devo is applicable to my life. I don't know how to explain it other than I actually think that book rewrites itself when I close it.

Like I said. Daily devotions change you.

I pray for things differently. I pray for myself differently. When it comes down to it, I just talk to God differently. I'm less selfish in my prayer life. (Less selfish, not selfLES but we're working on it)

And it's new and exciting and unbelievably frightening.

Because here's another shocking revelation: when you earnestly and devotedly seek God- when you make time to talk to Him- when you choose to honor your commitment to Him- He talks back. 

It's been my experience this past month that He starts off quiet. Just barely there. You feel something almost physically nudging at your heart, and something deep inside of you begins rustling. And you talk again. And it gets louder. And clearer. Like two people at opposite ends of a tunnel, walking towards each other. With every step, He gets clearer.

And often times I cry out to God and wonder why He never speaks to me, without worrying about what would happen if He actually did. 

Well, I'd like to tell you what happens when God talks back.

Things get messy.

Plans get changed.

Hearts get molded.

Desires change.

And things get messy.

I've been praying for a month now about where God wants me to be, and what He wants me to be doing, and how He wants me to glorify Him.

I can say in all honesty that I was sincere when I said where You go I will go, where You lead I will follow.

I just didn't expect Him to actually lead me anywhere.

Well, He did.

Seeing how long I've already made this post, I'll cut to the chase. God has very clearly called me back to Illinois. For how long, and for what purpose, I'm not completely clear. But I am clear that God is outstandingly good, and His plan is only to prosper me, and give me a hope and a future.

And more short-term, God has called me to Africa, namely Uganda and Kenya, in May/June of 2013. But more on that later.

So in approximately 12 hours I'll be officially starting a new chapter as I drive back home to Illinois, riding on the coattails of my magnificently Sovereign King.

I have no idea what tomorrow holds, literally. But I have a peace that passes understanding. And that's all I could ask for.

In Christ,

Ash

Who Will Go For Us

For me, a new school year means new opportunities to go abroad and serve. For reasons (almost) completely unbeknownst to me, I've been given a heart that is passionate about this world and it's beautiful, beautiful people.

So here's what's going on with Ashlee + Missions:

As many of you know, I spent my spring break in Haiti this past March.

Completely changed me.

To be honest though a lot of that week is a haze. So much happened.

And all I really know is that the minute I boarded the plane to leave, I wanted to go back.

Another trip over spring break is scheduled this year, too, and as long as the Lord gives the go-ahead, that's where I'll be again, this time with my good cameras in hand, (NOT making that mistake twice!) and twice the instant film (those suckers go fast!).

I guess all that is to say if it crosses your mind, be praying for that trip. Because I so want to go.

But I've also recently discovered that the same (wonderful) organization (WGM) has a two-week trip to Kenya in June.

When I read those words I'm fairly certain that my heart jumped out of my chest. Because not only is the trip in Kenya, but it's also at a baby center.

Now, I have a beautiful friend that's done this before, and she told me how hard it actually is. Babies die here all the time. It's brutal, and horrible at times, but at the same time it will utterly change your life.

And right now, it's the only place I want to be.

I'm not sure if it's going to work out. I'm not sure if I could afford two mission trips in 2013. Haiti is (roughly) $2,800.00 and Kenya comes in around $3,900.00. Not including the other expenses that come with world travel.

I just don't know. But I know where my heart is, I know where it longs to be, and I know I serve a God that makes a way for willing and obedient servants.

I also know how much I love the Haitian people. And I know how quickly I would fall in love with the people of Kenya.

And I'm so ready to go again.

This world is so important to me. I just want to go to every corner and love the people. Genuinely and passionately love them. And when opportunities such as these arise, I get real excited.

So please, pray that God makes things clear to me. He is ever so faithful!

Oh, and while we're on the topic of missions, my good pal Conner has become a World Racer! So excited for him.
(DON'T tell him I said this, but) I admire him. I look up to him, and he is an encouragement to me. (He gets real bent out of shape about this type of stuff so Conner if you're reading this, chill out and accept that you're a blessing to me). And to be honest, I'm jealous of his trip in the least sinful way I can be. He'll be loving on the people of eleven different countries for eleven months. Amazing. So be praying for him as well! Where God is working, so is our opposition. And Satan doesn't get to have any of their trip!

Anyway this whole post has really just been a petition for prayer over these trips.

God, speak clearly to us! Here am I, send me!

Morning Revelation

Whew. I never ever post here anymore. But this particular post doesn't fit on my other site (if you haven't checked it out---do so!)

Anyway, here's what I woke up thinking about today. Enjoy!

I try to be as honest as possible when I write, because honestly, I don’t think I’m fooling anyone when I try to make things less or more than they actually are. And if anything, I crave authenticity from others, so I do my best to offer the same in return.

That being said, today we’re going to talk about my biggest struggle.

I’m single, and I don’t like it.

There. I said it! And I wish more young women would be honest with themselves and admit to it! Young women, if this rings true for you, then say it. I’m begging you. Because it’s been my experience that when you’re feeling something and you try to hide it, or ignore it, or wish it away, it grows.

It’s o.k. to not like being single.

And I’ll tell you why.

I’m going to go all Old Testament on you for a second. When God created Adam, He explicitly said that it was not good for man to be alone. In other words, man & woman were, from the literal beginning of time, supposed to be together.

My point here isn’t to say that everyone is supposed to get married. I truly believe that there are some people in this world that are meant to live a single life. That’s wonderful. God gets to use those people in a very unique and special way.

But I’m here to say that if you desire a spouse, if you desire marriage—if you’re currently single and you have that longing, then I truly and deeply do not believe that you’ve been called to the life of celibacy.

So here’s what I’m trying to say through that jumble of words. If God designed us to be in a relationship, and God has given you a yearning for that relationship, and you’re not currently in that relationship, then it’s o.k. to feel like something is missing, and subsequently not like it.

It’s okay to not like being single. Because it isn’t what you’re intended to be.

Now let me switch focus for a second and pump the brakes. Because I know for a fact some of you are disagreeing with me.

Let me be clear that there is a difference between desiring something you don’t yet have, and sinning over something you don’t yet have.

Let me try to explain further.

Warning: this is going to be ridiculously cheesy and probably isn’t going to make total sense. But bear with me.

Let’s say that I wake up and decide that I want a cake. I’ve seen other people with cake and they seem to really enjoy it. Cake alone doesn’t sustain their lives, but it makes their lives better. And I decide, “You know what? I’m fine without cake; I can live without it. But cake seems really great and I would like some cake”.

So I go to the local bakery and I ask for a cake. And the baker says, “Cake is awesome and you’re going to get some, but just not right now. I want to make this cake perfect for you so it’s going to take some time. I can’t tell you when, but it’ll be delivered sometime.”

Okay that’s a little annoying, right? I want my cake now, obviously. But the baker knows about cakes. And if the baker wants to make a cake perfect for me, then I can’t fault him for that.

I don’t have to like it though. I’ve never read a verse in the Bible that says I have to like all the circumstances I’m in.

I mean let’s think about.

Do you think Abraham liked that hike up the mountain on his way to sacrifice his son? Do you think Esther liked being plucked from her home and thrown into a concubine? We know for a fact that Jonah didn’t like his deal. And let’s be honest for a moment. Do you really honestly think Jesus liked being nailed on a cross?

I personally don’t think so.

Sometimes God puts us into situations and we don’t like it.

And here’s a big revelation: that’s not a sin.

The sin comes when we are disobedient to what God has commanded us.

The sin is when I don’t get my cake and I pout about it. And I talk about how unfair the baker is. And I get jealous of all the other people with cake. And I just sit around and I don’t live my life because well if I don’t have any cake then I’m just going to sit here until I do because my life is worthless without it.

Any relationship other than your one with God does not complete you. It compliments you. It’s the sprinkles on top of the ice cream.

This is where the problem lies for many single Christians. Myself often included.

God has repeatedly said that in all circumstances we are to praise Him. Honor Him. Glorify Him.

I think it’s completely acceptable to have a prayer that’s full of, “I don’t understands”, as long as they’re followed with, “…but You are still God.”

Think about Christ’s prayer before His death. He begged God to take the cup from Him.

But how did He end His prayer?

“…But not my will, Yours.”

Wow.

Throughout Scripture we repeatedly see men and women who don’t like their circumstances but chose to serve a good God anyway. And every single time, God blesses them.

The point is that you don’t have to like being single. You’re allowed to say that.

I’m so tired of (albeit well-meaning) married women trying to encourage young single women to be happy in their singleness. I’m tired of this because it causes a lot of confusion. Women are told (I’ve been told) a lot of things when they’re single. They’re told to be happy, they’re told to be content in their singleness, they’re basically told that when they’re finally happy being single, God will give them a husband.

This is a lie! And this mindset sets your single friends up for failure.

Because like I said earlier, telling us to be happy while we’re single is like telling us to be happy with only three wheels on our car.

The truth is, being single isn’t ideal for a lot of women. But the even better truth is that yes, God has good things in store for you in all your situations.

If the Bible teaches us anything about circumstances, it’s that we shouldn’t focus on them.

Don’t look to God in hopes that He will be pointing to your man. Look to God because He is worth looking at.

The point is, you don’t have to like being single.

But you still have a billion and one reasons to praise God anyway.

God and I have been in a dry spell. Wait let me take that back, I have been in a dry spell. God is constantly faithful.
Truth be told, I've been rather mad at Him lately, for my shortcomings and my mistakes. And we haven't been getting along. Because I'm selfish and needy and whiney and I can't get myself together long enough to let the Father bless me.
So here's how He blesses me anyway, and hopefully this will bless someone else.

Anyway without going into extreme detail I've really been struggling with where I am in my life right now. As in, why I'm single.
Go ahead, roll your eyes, sigh. I can hear some of you saying, "For goodness sake, girl! You're only nineteen! You don't need to be in a relationship! They're not all they're cracked up to be!" Go ahead and tell me nothing is wrong with being single all you want- I agree with you, but it's not where I want to be.

My desire isn't to be single. And the society I live in tells me something is blatantly wrong with me if I am. Before all you mama and papa bears out there tell me different, I'll stop you there. Because I know there is nothing wrong with me. But often, I feel like there is. Most times, I think it's a defense mechanism to stop the hurt. Because if there was something wrong with me, at least I'd have a reason as to why I'm single. But because there isn't anything inherently wrong with me, I mean, I don't have a second face, or green moss growing on me or anything- I'm left confused as to what the deal is.

And so yesterday, God and I had it out in one of my signature drives where I just drive and drive and yell and cry and talk to God, much to the dismay and horror of other drivers, I'm sure.
And in this conversation, I said to God, "What gives?"
What's the deal, dude? Because I had been faithful to you. I had delighted in you, and I never got my way. And I don't understand how I want a Godly relationship and I can't have one. What. Gives?
To be honest, He didn't answer me. At least not how I wanted Him to. Because to be honest, if I put words in God's mouth He would have said, "Listen baby girl. When you get back to school in August, you're going to get everything you've wanted since the beginning of the year. And everything is going to be so wonderful, and you'll be so happy and life will be great!"
And then I would have had a vain reason to love God--because God did what I wanted Him to.
The reality of the conversation went more like this,
Listen here, girlfriend. You may not realize this right now but I'm doing you a favor, so deal with it. And guess what else? I love you too much to let you be in either the wrong relationship right now or jump the gun on the right one. So calm down, trust me, stay faithful and in my timing, I'll work it all out. Your day is coming sooner than you think.
To which I replied, meekly, ".....okay."
To which He replied,
Right now is our only time for it to be just you and Me. So embrace it.
To which I replied, meekly, ".....okay."....again.

A few minutes later, hunger sets in and I go to burger king to get a small fry. What should have only been a quick minute or so ended up being about ten in the drive through, which to be honest was fine with me. I had no where to be, and there was good music playing on the radio. I pull up to pay and the lady holds up her hand and hands me my fries.
"Don't worry about it," she says, "it's on us. You waited...a really looong time." She smiled and told me to have a good day, and I said the same.
Pulling away I'm pretty sure I felt God nudge my arm and say, "See?! Good things happen to those who wait." as He winked and then laughed. I laughed too and thought to myself, "if you say so."

Later that day I made the wise and healthy decision to have McD's for dinner, and again, I found myself waiting for my food, for about fifteen minutes. Which, when waiting at McD's, feels like a century and a half. Finally they come out and the worker says, "We're so sorry about your wait--we threw in a large fry"
I'm thinking, "yeah, right. Like I need more fries.", but it was free food nonetheless. Pulling away the second time, God said,
Did you notice how twice today you waited and were rewarded?
And I'm thinking,
really? You're speaking to me through food?
To which God said, it got your attention, didn't it?
Touche. Touche.
I walked away confident that God has a plan, one that truly has been designed to prosper me, to bring me joy, and give my life abundantly. And if I listen and follow His plan, I get to reap the benefits. He's good like that.

To make His blessing even sweeter, today I got a text from my dear friend how informed me of her budding romance with a young man who seems to be absolutely wonderful. And all I felt for her was absolute joy- devoid of jealousy or envy. I'm so excited for what God is doing in her life, and I absolutely love how He is using her and this young man to illustrate in my own life how He is faithful always.

I don't know when God is going to give me and that lucky mystery guy the go-ahead, but whenever it is, it's going to be His doing- which means it's gonna be good.

And so right now, I'm smiling about the mystery that's beyond the horizon.

Why You Probably Shouldn't See The Vow

This entire post is a spoiler. Reader beware!

I saw The Vow on Valentines Day with some girlfriends, and left the theater really glad I got a student discount. Needless to say, I was less than satisfied.
            First off, for me, a clear sign that a movie isn’t worth the time is if I’m checking my phone for the time. The movie began at roughly 9:10 and by 10 I was checking the time. It just kept dragging on. Mostly because there was nothing happening. I was told to go in with low expectations (another sign that the movie probably isn’t all that good), but apparently they weren’t low enough. Judging by the trailer, I assumed there was going to be more about how Leo (Channing Tatum) gets his amnesic wife Paige (Rachel McAdams) to fall in love with him again. Nope. In fact, he really only takes her on one date, where she seems to be falling back in love with him, however she’s not, because right after she goes back to her ex-fiance. What the heck is that?

            The kicker for me is that the movie is unrightfully called “The Vow”. I was expecting to see Tatum and McAdams to keep their vows. Nope. Close to the end of the film, they literally give up and get a divorce. As soon as I saw Leo (Tatum) sign the divorce papers, I thought, “Are you even kidding me right now.”

            This was it for me. You mean to tell me I spent almost two hours watching Tatum fight for his marriage to give up at the end? Is this even real life?

            Sadly, that is real life, for a lot of couples. The point is, The Vow is the absolute worst title the movie could have gotten. The theme I got from the movie was, try to stay together until you just can’t any more. Then at least you tried, right?

            Wrong.

            In the end, we see that they’ve been divorced for (at least) six months, and decide to go on another date. It’s assumed they get back together, but you don’t even see that. When the end credits began to roll, I was both relieved and frustrated.

            If you like to be disappointed and throw your money down the toilet, go ahead and see The Vow.