God and I have been in a dry spell. Wait let me take that back, I have been in a dry spell. God is constantly faithful.
Truth be told, I've been rather mad at Him lately, for my shortcomings and my mistakes. And we haven't been getting along. Because I'm selfish and needy and whiney and I can't get myself together long enough to let the Father bless me.
So here's how He blesses me anyway, and hopefully this will bless someone else.

Anyway without going into extreme detail I've really been struggling with where I am in my life right now. As in, why I'm single.
Go ahead, roll your eyes, sigh. I can hear some of you saying, "For goodness sake, girl! You're only nineteen! You don't need to be in a relationship! They're not all they're cracked up to be!" Go ahead and tell me nothing is wrong with being single all you want- I agree with you, but it's not where I want to be.

My desire isn't to be single. And the society I live in tells me something is blatantly wrong with me if I am. Before all you mama and papa bears out there tell me different, I'll stop you there. Because I know there is nothing wrong with me. But often, I feel like there is. Most times, I think it's a defense mechanism to stop the hurt. Because if there was something wrong with me, at least I'd have a reason as to why I'm single. But because there isn't anything inherently wrong with me, I mean, I don't have a second face, or green moss growing on me or anything- I'm left confused as to what the deal is.

And so yesterday, God and I had it out in one of my signature drives where I just drive and drive and yell and cry and talk to God, much to the dismay and horror of other drivers, I'm sure.
And in this conversation, I said to God, "What gives?"
What's the deal, dude? Because I had been faithful to you. I had delighted in you, and I never got my way. And I don't understand how I want a Godly relationship and I can't have one. What. Gives?
To be honest, He didn't answer me. At least not how I wanted Him to. Because to be honest, if I put words in God's mouth He would have said, "Listen baby girl. When you get back to school in August, you're going to get everything you've wanted since the beginning of the year. And everything is going to be so wonderful, and you'll be so happy and life will be great!"
And then I would have had a vain reason to love God--because God did what I wanted Him to.
The reality of the conversation went more like this,
Listen here, girlfriend. You may not realize this right now but I'm doing you a favor, so deal with it. And guess what else? I love you too much to let you be in either the wrong relationship right now or jump the gun on the right one. So calm down, trust me, stay faithful and in my timing, I'll work it all out. Your day is coming sooner than you think.
To which I replied, meekly, ".....okay."
To which He replied,
Right now is our only time for it to be just you and Me. So embrace it.
To which I replied, meekly, ".....okay."....again.

A few minutes later, hunger sets in and I go to burger king to get a small fry. What should have only been a quick minute or so ended up being about ten in the drive through, which to be honest was fine with me. I had no where to be, and there was good music playing on the radio. I pull up to pay and the lady holds up her hand and hands me my fries.
"Don't worry about it," she says, "it's on us. You waited...a really looong time." She smiled and told me to have a good day, and I said the same.
Pulling away I'm pretty sure I felt God nudge my arm and say, "See?! Good things happen to those who wait." as He winked and then laughed. I laughed too and thought to myself, "if you say so."

Later that day I made the wise and healthy decision to have McD's for dinner, and again, I found myself waiting for my food, for about fifteen minutes. Which, when waiting at McD's, feels like a century and a half. Finally they come out and the worker says, "We're so sorry about your wait--we threw in a large fry"
I'm thinking, "yeah, right. Like I need more fries.", but it was free food nonetheless. Pulling away the second time, God said,
Did you notice how twice today you waited and were rewarded?
And I'm thinking,
really? You're speaking to me through food?
To which God said, it got your attention, didn't it?
Touche. Touche.
I walked away confident that God has a plan, one that truly has been designed to prosper me, to bring me joy, and give my life abundantly. And if I listen and follow His plan, I get to reap the benefits. He's good like that.

To make His blessing even sweeter, today I got a text from my dear friend how informed me of her budding romance with a young man who seems to be absolutely wonderful. And all I felt for her was absolute joy- devoid of jealousy or envy. I'm so excited for what God is doing in her life, and I absolutely love how He is using her and this young man to illustrate in my own life how He is faithful always.

I don't know when God is going to give me and that lucky mystery guy the go-ahead, but whenever it is, it's going to be His doing- which means it's gonna be good.

And so right now, I'm smiling about the mystery that's beyond the horizon.

Why You Probably Shouldn't See The Vow

This entire post is a spoiler. Reader beware!

I saw The Vow on Valentines Day with some girlfriends, and left the theater really glad I got a student discount. Needless to say, I was less than satisfied.
            First off, for me, a clear sign that a movie isn’t worth the time is if I’m checking my phone for the time. The movie began at roughly 9:10 and by 10 I was checking the time. It just kept dragging on. Mostly because there was nothing happening. I was told to go in with low expectations (another sign that the movie probably isn’t all that good), but apparently they weren’t low enough. Judging by the trailer, I assumed there was going to be more about how Leo (Channing Tatum) gets his amnesic wife Paige (Rachel McAdams) to fall in love with him again. Nope. In fact, he really only takes her on one date, where she seems to be falling back in love with him, however she’s not, because right after she goes back to her ex-fiance. What the heck is that?

            The kicker for me is that the movie is unrightfully called “The Vow”. I was expecting to see Tatum and McAdams to keep their vows. Nope. Close to the end of the film, they literally give up and get a divorce. As soon as I saw Leo (Tatum) sign the divorce papers, I thought, “Are you even kidding me right now.”

            This was it for me. You mean to tell me I spent almost two hours watching Tatum fight for his marriage to give up at the end? Is this even real life?

            Sadly, that is real life, for a lot of couples. The point is, The Vow is the absolute worst title the movie could have gotten. The theme I got from the movie was, try to stay together until you just can’t any more. Then at least you tried, right?

            Wrong.

            In the end, we see that they’ve been divorced for (at least) six months, and decide to go on another date. It’s assumed they get back together, but you don’t even see that. When the end credits began to roll, I was both relieved and frustrated.

            If you like to be disappointed and throw your money down the toilet, go ahead and see The Vow. 

Before you read this, read this article on Yahoo's newspage

I apologize, but this blog is going to be more rant than calm discussion, and I would understand if some people don't agree with what I have to say. But I hope that all of you will.

This type of hatred needs to end. What is it accomplishing? Nothing positive.

As Christians, we are to look to Christ for our example in our daily living. So let's do that.
Read John 4.
Then read it again.

Now put yourself in the time period of Jesus. This was a woman. This was a Samaritan woman. This was a promiscuous, Samaritan woman. I mean honestly, in the time period she could not have been worse.
Scripture tells us that Jews had no dealings with Samaritans, and if possible even less dealings with Samaritan women. Scripture also tells us that this woman had five husbands, and was living with a sixth man.

Did Jesus condemn this woman? Maybe you could argue that He was condemning her  in verses 16-18, but I think that is a misreading. She knew what she was doing was wrong in the deepest part of her heart. Jesus didn't need to tell her. Condemnation was not the point of this encounter.
Rather, Christ here demonstrates just how deep His love goes- by telling her the truth in the most loving and respectful way He could. 

Scripture makes it clear that God hates sin. Seriously hates it.

Jesus hated how this woman was living. But it did not affect how much He loved her. 

I wonder what would happen if we displayed Christ's compassion today to the people we don't agree with.

If you spend fifteen minutes with anyone who is not a follower of Christ, you are more likely than not going to find out the reason why they don't want to follow Christ is because they've somehow been scorned by the "church".

The world thinks we're hypocrites. The world thinks we're close-minded. The world thinks we're bigots. The world thinks we hate them. Why? Because this is the message "we" send when things like this incident with Ellen happen.

How can we expect anyone to want to know Christ if this is the Christ we show them?

It's okay to hate how someone is living. It's okay to hate the choices people make. But it is not okay to hate the individual.
If we as CHRISTIANS could love on the people we disagree with, instead of furthering their suspicions, this world could change.

Now I do not want for a moment to put words in Christ's mouth, however judging by His actions in John  4, it would seem that Christ doesn't want us to boycot, ignore or condemn those who aren't in His kingdom. Rather it would appear that we are called by example to reach out to those apart from the Kingdom, tell them the truth, and love them regardless.

My challenge (for myself) and hopefully all of us, is to intentionally reach out to someone we disagree with- love them unconditionally, and see what happens.

What defines my worth, part I.

We all have it. That one sin that somehow creeps into literally every situation imaginable, and you’re left with a choice to fall into temptation and indulge in that sin- or not to. Usually for me, it’s the former.

My go-to sin is my self-worth.

I don’t think it’s anyone’s fault that I struggle with my self worth. And I believe I have to make a conscious effort to sin in it. But I do believe that there have been factors in my life that have attributed to why I have such a hard time with myself.

I think it can be accredited a lot to my lack of a father figure. My dad left my household when I was a baby, and rarely saw him during the first sixteen years of my life. Sure, I saw him ‘every other weekend’, but not once did he show up to a choir concert, soccer game or school play. And although I regret wholeheartedly to say this, for my father’s sake, and for my own, I allowed myself to believe (contrary to what even my church had taught me), that my Heavenly father was the same way.

So I began to take a very lax approach to my relationship with God, because everything I had been shown by my example, my father pointed to a Father that might say that He loved me on the outside, but truly didn’t seem to matter so much.

And the line between truth and lies became blurrier and blurrier.

And I got to the point where I was allowing Satan to use my own voice.

It wasn’t deafening, it wasn’t ‘big’ for lack of a better term, but it was present. It was quiet, and it was lying to me.

And it’s something that God has had to deal with me lately, more than ever before.

When you attend Asbury (and you’re a female), really you’re two main jobs are to a) get married and b) go on a mission trip. That being said, I’ve obviously been thinking more and more about the day when I’ll get married- and to be completely honest, for a long time I convinced myself that that would be what cures me of my self-worth issues. That being married would fix me.

Marriage, (from what I’ve heard) is wonderful, don’t get me wrong. But what God has revealed to me is that my worth cannot be defined by anything except Christ.

Everything is secondary to Him. And if I ever plan on being able to give my entire heart to a man, then I must first allow Christ to hold and cherish it.

And I can tell you that letting Christ carry the burden of my heart was the best decision I could have made for myself.

I no longer beg to know where my worth is, because I know it is found in Christ.

God repeatedly reminds us of how worth it we are. And He’s proven to me some critical points about my worth. First off, David wrote,

For you formed my inward parts;

you knitted me together in my mother’s womb.

I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made.

My frame was not hidden from you,

When I was made in the secret place,

Intricately woven in the depths of the earth.

Your eyes saw my unformed substance;

In your book were written, everyone one of them,

The days that were formed for me,

When as yet there was none of them.

Coming from an ‘artist’ (I use the term lightly), when I make something, I do not hang it up in a gallery unless it is the most beautiful piece I think I’ve ever made. It’s no different with God and His creation.

But God goes further than that. Paul tells the church in his letter to the Romans that

God demonstrates His love for us in that while we were still sinning, Christ died for us.

Now I can understand love when it’s the ‘for better’ half of the vow. But something is to be said about the love a man has for another who is willing to love them despite the fact that they clearly are not returning the gesture.

If that doesn’t make a person intrinsically have worth, then I don’t know what does.

The point is, that I am worth it. I am a daughter of the king, and I am blameless in His sight.

My beauty cannot fade.

My worth isn’t defined by anything I can do, have done, or could hope to do.

My worth comes from God’s innate desire to have me in His presence.

If you weren't in Wilmore, you wouldn't have....

This is a follow-up to my blog yesterday- and let me begin by stating that I still feel what I felt when I wrote that. However, today, God spent some time reminding me of what I wouldn't have if I was anywhere but here. So this is a blog dedicated to the blessings God has given me. Today God reminded me that if I wasn't in Wilmore, I wouldn't have,

A best friend like Elisabeth.

We are completely nuts. No question about it. The first time I met her, I was talking about the Naked

brand of juice, and I was saying dumb things like, "I like to get Naked at the grocery store" (I don't care who you are, those jokes are funny). And she still chose to associate with me after that. That in itself speaks volumes of our friendship, if you ask me! But what speaks more I think, is how our relationship is based on and in Christ, as with all of my other best friends at Asbury. I love Elisabeth more than I could possibly tell or show her, and I probably don't do an adequate job of even beginning to tell her. Elisabeth, Philippians 1:3.

As strong a spiritual life.

This town loves it some Hay Zoos. No doubt about it. Jesus is all up in Wilmore. And I am fortunate enough to go to a school where there is time carved out of every Monday, Wednesday and Friday to dedicate to the Lord. Now, yes, every moment should be dedicated to God (if you want to be super legalistic here), but Asbury has made sure that it's student body hears about Jesus at least three times a week. Chapel is incredible, and it truly encourages me on my walk- even if the speakers aren't always the greatest.

Time to hear me tell you everything I need to tell you.

This is in more of reference to my post yesterday. As soon as I wrote that last part (about Wilmore being my training ground) I knew that that portion of the post was not Ashlee. That was completely the spirit's leading- and that has been confirmed in my heart tonight. God has placed me in the mission capitol of Kentucky (Missions, or, "cross cultural experience" is required here to graduate- I mean, come on!) to teach me, and cultivate me to be the sharpest, most effective instrument I can be. I feel like daily God has plans to reveal truth to my heart, and I am choosing to listen constantly, and be satisfied with whatever He says and reveals.

But most importantly, if I wasn't in Wilmore, I would not be in God's sovereign Will.

This is part of the plan. Wilmore is an act of obedience, one in which I am being blessed. God is doing big things here.

I know this for a fact because too many obstacles are arising (a sure sign that Satan is not a happy camper)- God is about to do something crazy- something impossible or improbable and God is going to show. up. And somehow, He has chosen me to be a part of whatever He has planned for Asbury this year.

I guess to 'summarize', God heard my heart yesterday, and spent today reminding me that there is a plan. There is a reason, and although right now is not the most beneficial time for me to know why, the plan is still there, and I am an active part of it. And I am choosing to rest. I am choosing to trust. I am choosing to let God handle this- to let Him handle me. And it's the most relaxing feeling in the world. I urge you as you read this, to let go. Relinquish whatever you are clinging to, and blindly trust. Climb into the Father's lap and let Him do the planning. Rest there. Take a nap- seriously. Breathe easy, and let Christ carry the burden of your future. After all, He's already there.

Relax. He has a plan, and you've been lucky enough to be included. So let Him do His job, and watch how He moves.

Grace be with you,

Amen.