I've been reading a lot out of Song of Songs lately, and I've been talking to my friends a lot lately about marriage and all of it has really just gotten me stoked!
Now, I understand that there is a chance that God's plan for my life does not include a husband. And although that's not necessarily what I want for myself, the root of my desires is to be in the center of God's will- whatever that may be. And if God wants me to be single for my entire life, then I have complete faith that He will take my current desires for a husband and mold them to fit His plan.
But as of now, I am looking forward to my future as a wife. I would be lying if I didn't say that I'm excited that it's a possibility for me. And I want to dedicate the rest of this post to what I'm looking for and why. This isn't a call out to any man, this is just what my heart feels and I love to write, so here we go.
The most important thing to me is that my husband loves the Lord. Now, I'm talking about true and deep love. Not the "I go to church every Sunday and I'm saved" relationship. I want my marriage to be so filled with Christ that we can't even explain it. I want Him to be the center of it all. And I want a marriage that seeks first His Kingdom. I need my husband to understand that nothing in the world comes before my Savior. I want a marriage that encourages me in my walk. I want a husband that leads me and draws me closer to God. I want us to be a husband and wife that pray together and pray for each other. I want to be able to argue with my husband and disagree with him. I want us to be able to get mad and one another be honest about how we're feeling. I don't want us to hide from each other. If I'm doing something that I shouldn't, or not doing something that I should, I want my husband to be able to talk to me about it and vice versa. I want our love to be a direct reflection of Christ's love for the church.
I want to know at all times, no matter what we are facing, that my husband loves me.
I want my husband to know at all times, no matter what we are facing, that I love him.
On a less deep note, I want to be able to laugh with him. A deep laugh- a laugh that only we can share. I want us to be able to laugh at ourselves and the silly things we do.
I want to be able to do crazy and wacky things without worrying what he thinks.
And I want my marriage to be an example to other couples. I want to be the old couple that has made it sixty years and love each other more than they ever thought was possible.
I want to be able to look back and see how God held us together throughout all that life threw us: all the pain and heartache and misery and confusion and stress- but also all the love and happiness and joy and togetherness we experienced.
I want us to find each other beautiful, in such a more deep way than just physical beauty. I wan my husband to be attracted to my soul, and I want to love my husband's heart first and foremost. The rest is just a bonus.
I want to marry my best friend. I don't want to just randomly meet him and start a relationship. I want our relationship to start as friends and get to the point where we realize there's no one else that we like spending time with. And therefore, I'll be marrying my best friend.  That's what I'm talking about!

I don't have time

I can't get enough of the song How He Loves by John Mark McMillan. Like, seriously cannot quit listening to it. This wouldn't be quite as alarming had I just heard this song, but I've known this song for ever. And I can't explain why all of the sudden I can't quit listening to it. It might have something to do with the fact that I more than enjoy singing it and I think that I don't sound too bad. But I think it goes way way deeper than that. I think I'm drawn to it because of it's honesty and humility. And JMM through this song has taught me that God's union with us- our love story -it's not neat. It's messy. It's embarrassing at times. Sometimes it doesn't seem worthwhile. But it's also beautiful. It's so beautiful. And precious. It is endearing, more so, enduring. Oh how He loves us. That's all we can say. Those five words are all we can manage sometimes because it's all the words that we can come up with. Just an exclamation that He loves us. At the beginning of the song JMM says, "He loves like a hurricane- I am a tree, bending beneath the weight of His wind and mercy." This reminds me of my conversation with God a few days ago. I love the idea of God being a hurricane. And I love the idea of His love being so strong that it bends us. It doesn't break us, it doesn't uproot us, but it impacts us. And we can't help but move.
He wants to shower me with love. And too often am I worried about my iniquity. I forget that He forgot. God's love is too powerful and too deep to keep a record of my wrongs (1 Cor 13). He doesn't want to hold a tally sheet against me. Because why would I want to be with Him if every time I was He reminded me of that one time...that other time when I....that day that I....
That isn't my God.
He just wants it to be Him and I. He doesn't want to share me with sin. He doesn't want me to be polluted. Which is why I make the decision to ask Him not to see me like that and He makes the decision to honor that prayer by forgetting it ever happened. And when that glorious thing happens, I become so blinded by his unyielding love that I can't remember my sins either. And that is brilliant. At this point in the post, I would be lying if I said that I have forgotten all of my sins. Of course not. And satan makes sure that I remember my sins loud and clear whenever I begin to see God's love fall on me. But- and here's the best part- I don't have time to maintain these regrets when I think about the way that He loves us.
I don't have time for you, satan. I don't have time for your games and your schemes. I don't have time to let you read all of my errors to me, because all of my time needs to be devoted on Christ if I'm to soak up all that I can of His brilliant love.
I am God's portion. And He is my prize. And He draws me in. His grace is so deep that I'm sinking. I'm being immersed again and again and again.
And the water- it heals my wounds. My iniquity sinks to the bottom of the ocean, and it stays there. In the presence of Christ, it's not going to resurface.

How beautiful is that?

I'm so thirsty.

Literally and spiritually.

Have you ever had one of those days where you just cannot quench your thirst? I've had one of those days today. It is a horrible feeling. I remember being on a mission trip once where the building we were in had no air conditioning and their water was warm. It was hot outside and no matter what I did I just could not get cooled. And I was just so thirsty all the time. And when I finally got some cold, fresh water I drank so much that it almost made me uneasy. But oh, how wonderful that cold water felt as I drank it. It is a wonderful feeling.
To switch gears momentarily, I have to share this random piece of information for the rest of this story to flow: I don't know what has changed within me, but I've been telling God everything lately.
And when I say everything, I really mean just about every thought that enters my mind, I say to God.
It's kind of strange, but also incredibly nice to stay in contact with Him, even though I'm not getting an answer or a response.
And today I was thirsty. So I told God.
God, I'm thirsty.
Then I realized what I had just said. Then I realized how my thirst has gone beyond my taste buds. It is in my soul. This desire to see change. This desire to be consumed with Christ. To be washed by him. Cleansed. Purified.

"On the last day, the climax of the festival, Jesus stood and shouted to the crowds, “Anyone who is thirsty may come to me! ³⁸ Anyone who believes in me may come and drink! For the Scriptures declare, ‘Rivers of living water will flow from his heart"

-John 7:37 & 38

I read this passage, and I said it again.
God, I am thirsty!
I am thirsty!
And I can come to you! I can come and drink! I can 'come taste and see that the LORD is good'! (Psalm 34:8)


I want to soak up as much of the Word as I can.

I want to drink so much of Him that it almost makes me sick- in a good way- if that's even possible.

I'm so thirsty.


And the beauty of the cross, the beauty of Christ, the beauty of the Word, the beauty of God's majesty, the beauty of God's peace and love and wonder and understanding and forgetfulness of my sins is this:
I will never be able to quench this thirst. There will never be a time when I will know God completely- know Him so much that my cup is just full enough. I will never know enough to quit learning. He will never run out of things to show and teach me. He is constantly revealing new aspects of Himself to me. My cup doesn't fill-
My cup overflows! (Psalm 23:5)
MY CUP OVERFLOWS, AND I'M STILL THIRSTY.


My God is so brilliant.

washed

So today I had nothing to do but talk to the LORD, and I feel like it was a productive talk. Very rarely am I alright with sharing my journal, because it is the deepest part of me that I reveal. However, I'm posting this in hopes that someone reads this and can relate and can find hope.
What I felt like I had to say today:

Your love is like the ocean. In one place it is like a tidal wave- it is deep and sweeps me away and it's frightening. While I am in it, I don't know what to make of it. It is powerful and mighty. I couldn't explain being in the middle of it if I wanted to. 
Your tide is unexplainable, unavoidable, unmistakable and unapologetic. 
Your ocean of love cannot be covered and cannot be tamed. 
But the beauty I find in Your love is this: in another place, there is a calm like no other calm. There is an unasked for but completely welcomed peace that washes over me like the water itself. 
When I'm not in these waters, when I substitute this peace for turmoil I long for these waters. But I grow afraid, because I have abandoned my first love- something so precious and unceasing- for something so ugly. And I am ashamed. Sometimes I fear that I have drifted so far away from your peace that I have forgotten what it is and that I won't be able to returned to it. I feel weakness overcome me. But I feel a pull from my heart like the moon pulls the waves to the shore. You are beckoning me to Your shore and there is a longing in my very soul that will not let me ignore Your name. 
Your ocean. Your deep, deep waters of love. 
It beckons me to come and be emersed in Holiness. I am washed. I am cleansed of my iniquity. The peace that I once feared gone runs over me like a rock in a river bed. It is a smooth calm. The waters of Your ocean rock me back and forth and I am remind of how you care for me.