The Journey

So, first off, God and I have been dealing with some serious things lately. For about a  month. And I have been bringing His judgment into question a lot lately. Now let me add that I believe that it is okay to question God, to ask Him what is going on, to ask Him why something is going on, and so on.
You ask questions when you are in a relationship. That's how it builds and grows.
What's not okay is when you don't stop at questioning- you question, but then  you run away before an answer can even be uttered. I find too often it is easier to point and question, but sometimes the answer is not as easy to receive.

"Then, after desire has conceived, it gives birth to sin; and sin, when it is full-grown, gives birth to death." (James 1:15, NIV)

This verse became relevant in my situation like never before. And it was dark and scary. It wasn't me. But with all that had happened, I was beginning to feel like I didn't actually know who me was. Confusion is one of the Opponents greatest weapons. And he taunts me with it. And how often have you been mad at someone, and then someone else comes over to complain about the same person you are, and it's so easy just to say I know! and vent with them.
Well venting with the devil is probably the worst idea I've ever heard of.
Satan took my frustration and confusion and pity and took these things that aren't of God and somehow led them back to Him. And I ate it up.
I wallowed.
As shameful as it is to admit, it is what it is. I couldn't understand- and if I'm going to be honest, I still don't understand. And when God throws you a curveball, it's hard to keep saying God is Good.Is He? Is God good?
That's the question it came down to for me.
Would a good God
...take family members away? Suddenly. It's part of life to die. But what about my grandfather? He died of a heart attack. Before I was even born. My mom was in her twenties. And what about my friend, who lost one of her parents when she was six? Or what about the Winter's family, who lost a husband and father two years ago? What about two couples that go to our church- both carrying their babies inside of them only to deliver them and lose them days later?
There were some other pretty big things God and I had to get through together, but for the privacy of others that were involved, I am not going to disclose them. But two big things were happening in my life, and I could not find God. 
How does that equate to a good God? I'm not quite sure.
I don't understand why sometimes God chooses to take people in such a way that it's like death is stabbing us right through the heart. I don't know why any of anything happens right now. My lack of knowledge is the root of my weakness. But here's where God meets me where I am: 

But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore, I will boast all the more gladly about my weakness, so that Christ's power may rest on me. (2 Corinthians 12:9)

Did you catch that?
Perfect.
Here's the Ashlee Abridged Version: (and I don't mean abridged. Mine is twice as long)

Here's what he said to me. "My grace- it's big enough. I can handle this, I promise. And I will carry your burden for you. When you relinquish this weakness, that's when I can show you just how awesome I am. So let me show you. " So I'm going to let Christ take this heavy burden off my shoulders. I'm going to shout my faults and weaknesses because that's what makes Christ so great- He can handle all of the darkness that I cling to.

So here I am, shouting.

I don't understand you, God. I don't know why you do what you do, why what happens to me happens, and why sometimes I run from you. I don't know.
But I know what you say, you mean. And if you say that you are a good God, I believe you. If you say there's a purpose for all this, then I believe you. If you choose not to explain yourself, then I'll drop it. I'll trust you with this. Because I've tried everything else. And there's no where to go.


There's my burden. Here's my heart. 


Before I began to write this, I was sitting at my sister's house (I'm housesitting) and I felt like I needed to memorize the book of James. To be honest, at time I didn't know why. But something (hello! It was God I bet ;) in me just said, James. Memorize it. The whole thing.
In the same breath I began to write down all the verses, and I began to memorize it. I only have the first six verses. But after writing this, I now see why James needed to be such a big deal in my life. 

Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, when you face trials of many kinds. For we know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish it's work, so that you may mature and complete, not lacking anything. If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you. But when you ask, you must believe and not doubt, for the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind.

And there you have it, folks. He's gone and done it again.