I don't have time

I can't get enough of the song How He Loves by John Mark McMillan. Like, seriously cannot quit listening to it. This wouldn't be quite as alarming had I just heard this song, but I've known this song for ever. And I can't explain why all of the sudden I can't quit listening to it. It might have something to do with the fact that I more than enjoy singing it and I think that I don't sound too bad. But I think it goes way way deeper than that. I think I'm drawn to it because of it's honesty and humility. And JMM through this song has taught me that God's union with us- our love story -it's not neat. It's messy. It's embarrassing at times. Sometimes it doesn't seem worthwhile. But it's also beautiful. It's so beautiful. And precious. It is endearing, more so, enduring. Oh how He loves us. That's all we can say. Those five words are all we can manage sometimes because it's all the words that we can come up with. Just an exclamation that He loves us. At the beginning of the song JMM says, "He loves like a hurricane- I am a tree, bending beneath the weight of His wind and mercy." This reminds me of my conversation with God a few days ago. I love the idea of God being a hurricane. And I love the idea of His love being so strong that it bends us. It doesn't break us, it doesn't uproot us, but it impacts us. And we can't help but move.
He wants to shower me with love. And too often am I worried about my iniquity. I forget that He forgot. God's love is too powerful and too deep to keep a record of my wrongs (1 Cor 13). He doesn't want to hold a tally sheet against me. Because why would I want to be with Him if every time I was He reminded me of that one time...that other time when I....that day that I....
That isn't my God.
He just wants it to be Him and I. He doesn't want to share me with sin. He doesn't want me to be polluted. Which is why I make the decision to ask Him not to see me like that and He makes the decision to honor that prayer by forgetting it ever happened. And when that glorious thing happens, I become so blinded by his unyielding love that I can't remember my sins either. And that is brilliant. At this point in the post, I would be lying if I said that I have forgotten all of my sins. Of course not. And satan makes sure that I remember my sins loud and clear whenever I begin to see God's love fall on me. But- and here's the best part- I don't have time to maintain these regrets when I think about the way that He loves us.
I don't have time for you, satan. I don't have time for your games and your schemes. I don't have time to let you read all of my errors to me, because all of my time needs to be devoted on Christ if I'm to soak up all that I can of His brilliant love.
I am God's portion. And He is my prize. And He draws me in. His grace is so deep that I'm sinking. I'm being immersed again and again and again.
And the water- it heals my wounds. My iniquity sinks to the bottom of the ocean, and it stays there. In the presence of Christ, it's not going to resurface.

How beautiful is that?

I'm so thirsty.

Literally and spiritually.

Have you ever had one of those days where you just cannot quench your thirst? I've had one of those days today. It is a horrible feeling. I remember being on a mission trip once where the building we were in had no air conditioning and their water was warm. It was hot outside and no matter what I did I just could not get cooled. And I was just so thirsty all the time. And when I finally got some cold, fresh water I drank so much that it almost made me uneasy. But oh, how wonderful that cold water felt as I drank it. It is a wonderful feeling.
To switch gears momentarily, I have to share this random piece of information for the rest of this story to flow: I don't know what has changed within me, but I've been telling God everything lately.
And when I say everything, I really mean just about every thought that enters my mind, I say to God.
It's kind of strange, but also incredibly nice to stay in contact with Him, even though I'm not getting an answer or a response.
And today I was thirsty. So I told God.
God, I'm thirsty.
Then I realized what I had just said. Then I realized how my thirst has gone beyond my taste buds. It is in my soul. This desire to see change. This desire to be consumed with Christ. To be washed by him. Cleansed. Purified.

"On the last day, the climax of the festival, Jesus stood and shouted to the crowds, “Anyone who is thirsty may come to me! ³⁸ Anyone who believes in me may come and drink! For the Scriptures declare, ‘Rivers of living water will flow from his heart"

-John 7:37 & 38

I read this passage, and I said it again.
God, I am thirsty!
I am thirsty!
And I can come to you! I can come and drink! I can 'come taste and see that the LORD is good'! (Psalm 34:8)


I want to soak up as much of the Word as I can.

I want to drink so much of Him that it almost makes me sick- in a good way- if that's even possible.

I'm so thirsty.


And the beauty of the cross, the beauty of Christ, the beauty of the Word, the beauty of God's majesty, the beauty of God's peace and love and wonder and understanding and forgetfulness of my sins is this:
I will never be able to quench this thirst. There will never be a time when I will know God completely- know Him so much that my cup is just full enough. I will never know enough to quit learning. He will never run out of things to show and teach me. He is constantly revealing new aspects of Himself to me. My cup doesn't fill-
My cup overflows! (Psalm 23:5)
MY CUP OVERFLOWS, AND I'M STILL THIRSTY.


My God is so brilliant.

washed

So today I had nothing to do but talk to the LORD, and I feel like it was a productive talk. Very rarely am I alright with sharing my journal, because it is the deepest part of me that I reveal. However, I'm posting this in hopes that someone reads this and can relate and can find hope.
What I felt like I had to say today:

Your love is like the ocean. In one place it is like a tidal wave- it is deep and sweeps me away and it's frightening. While I am in it, I don't know what to make of it. It is powerful and mighty. I couldn't explain being in the middle of it if I wanted to. 
Your tide is unexplainable, unavoidable, unmistakable and unapologetic. 
Your ocean of love cannot be covered and cannot be tamed. 
But the beauty I find in Your love is this: in another place, there is a calm like no other calm. There is an unasked for but completely welcomed peace that washes over me like the water itself. 
When I'm not in these waters, when I substitute this peace for turmoil I long for these waters. But I grow afraid, because I have abandoned my first love- something so precious and unceasing- for something so ugly. And I am ashamed. Sometimes I fear that I have drifted so far away from your peace that I have forgotten what it is and that I won't be able to returned to it. I feel weakness overcome me. But I feel a pull from my heart like the moon pulls the waves to the shore. You are beckoning me to Your shore and there is a longing in my very soul that will not let me ignore Your name. 
Your ocean. Your deep, deep waters of love. 
It beckons me to come and be emersed in Holiness. I am washed. I am cleansed of my iniquity. The peace that I once feared gone runs over me like a rock in a river bed. It is a smooth calm. The waters of Your ocean rock me back and forth and I am remind of how you care for me.

In Christ Alone

In Christ alone, my hope is found

He is my light, my strength, my song

This cornerstone, this solid ground

Firm through the fiercest drought and storm

What heights of love, what depths of peace

When fears are stilled, when strivings cease


My comforter, my all-in-all

Here in the love of Christ I stand

There in the ground His body lay

Light of the world by darkness slain

Then bursting forth in glorious day

Up from the grave He rose again
And as He stands in victory

Sin's curse has lost its grip on me
For I am His and He is mine

Bought with the precious blood of Christ

No guilt in life, no fear in death
This is the power of Christ in me

From life's first cry to final breath

Jesus commands my destiny


No power of hell, no scheme of man

Can ever pluck me from His hand
Till He returns or calls me home

Here in the power of Christ I'll stand

Till He returns or calls me home

Here in the power of Christ I'll stand
Here in the power of Christ I'll stand.

This song will forever be special to me. There is no amazing story behind it, there is no awesome testimony aside from the fact that Christ has bought my freedom for me. But it's lyrics hit me hard every time I hear it. I think i has something to do with how it's words sum up the entirety of the Christian faith- or at least my Christian faith. Everything is done through Christ alone. There is no help apart from Christ. There is no true love apart from Him. There is no other hope than Jesus. I find this so resonating, so peaceful, and so real that there aren't earthly words to describe the feeling knowing that my victory is in Christ alone! Standing in the love of Christ -knowing that no matter the lengths of pain I may and will cause him He still unconditionally loves me- there is peace. There is hope for a future. There is goodness and light in the love of Christ. And in my present situation(s)- with all the hurt and confusion and shame I've felt lately- I am running to Christ, and I am basking in His love.

Genesis 1:27

So God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him; male and female he created them.



How this relates to me today: How does it never?

A friend of mine today told me about how they are tired of people judging other people for their outward appearance, and I could not agree more. We were talking more on the lines of simple things like crazy hair colors, clothes, piercings, you get the picture, but I think this can spin in an opposite direction, just with a person's normal God created face and body.

I really don't get what all the fuss is about.

And I would love to believe that this is because I've never been labeled a beautiful girl by societies standards, but I just cannot seem to buy that. And like every girl or woman on the planet, sometimes I look in the mirror and think not-so-nice things about my appearance. But the thing is, this was how I was made.
Morally speaking, I cannot change this face. And why exactly would I want to mess with something God created? Never once have I looked at the sunset, when the sun is just low enough that it looks like the pink and orange clouds swirl together like the expert stroke of a painter's brush and say, "You could have done so much better. Here, let me fix this..."
That's straight up foolish.

In the same way, we should regard our face and body. This isn't to say that we shouldn't be healthy, which is a goal I'm currently striving for, but this is to say that we need to stop seeing our flaws and start seeing ourselves, every freckle, bump, out of place hair, crooked tooth, and funny nose as a personal touch by the Master, that He finds more beautiful than that sunset.

We need to treat ourselves as the masterpieces we are.

Love the way you look-

Ash