The Parable of the Lost Coin goes something like this, [Jesus said], "Or what woman, having ten silver coins, if she loses one coin, does not light a lamp and sweep the house and seek diligently until she finds it? And when she has found it, she call together her friends and neighbors, saying, 'Rejoice with me, for I have found the coin that I had lost.' Just so, I tell you, there is joy before the angels of God over one sinner who repents."
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I stumbled upon this verse today in my New Testament class (imagine that!), and I had an epiphany. To tell you the truth, apart from my teacher's relatively bad puns, I cannot remember much of what was said, and class just ended. I cannot remember because God was speaking to me today, through Luke.
Read through those words one more time.
It hit me like never before that God is never a passive God. Ever.
Although admittedly it's a little strange that I interpret God as the woman in this parable, nevertheless the meaning still stands.
Like the woman and her coin, God finds intrinsic value in us as His children. What fool idly stands by when he looses money? If you are anything like me, you usually seek after that pesky penny that jumps out of your wallet or purse and rolls under something, usually a counter or refrigerator or something else irritating. Or Heaven forbid a dollar falls out of my back pocket.

Why do we do that? Why do we not just leave the money on the ground?
Because it's valuable.
So why does God not leave us when we are lost?
Because. We are valuable.
This parable says that the woman diligently sought for the coin she had lost, going as far as to light a lamp [implying darkness], and sweeping her whole home until  she finds it.
Likewise, God diligently seeks after His lost children, lighting a lamp in our darkness and He sweeps across the world to find us. God does not wait for us. We do not operate on His time table. Instead, He does everything He possibly can to seek us.
And if that is not reason enough to praise Him, read on further.
The woman gets her friends and basically throws a party. For one coin. ONE. COIN. I'm thinking, come on lady. You have nine other coins. Talk about frugal. Why do you have to have the tenth?
Because it's valuable.
And just as the woman in this parable most likely planned to use that coin to accomplish a goal, so our Father plans to use us similarly.
God is not idle.
He does not stand around, moping that He has lost His coin. No, He diligently seeks it, and rejoices with all of Heaven when one of His children returns.

What a beautiful God we serve.

Today I spent some time with my sister, and, after I did some pretty weird things, she looked at me and said, "I am so surprised that you are single". I found this extra comical because, and my camp roommates can attest to this, I say this all the time! (jokingly, of course)
But it got me thinking about what I am looking for. Once I was told to make a God-centered list of what I look for in a duderino, and never waiver on it. Although some of these are goofy, most of them are actually pretty legit for me. I'm not looking right now, so to the dozens of potential suitors that will reply to this: I'll keep you in mind, but I can't make any promises right now. (I feel like I should mention that this was my attempt to be sarcastic via interweb).
Also, ladies that read this: I urge you to make your own list of things you look for- and not settle for anything less! No, men aren't perfect- they won't always say what men say in Nicholas Sparks books, and maybe they won't surprise us randomly with flowers (Hey bros, PS, we like that a LOT!) and they probably will never willingly want to talk about their feelings or whatever. But they're are certain things that aren't up for discussion.
So here's my list. I am looking for:

1. a Christ-follower. (2 Corinthians 6:14)
2. a long term relationship. I believe that the purpose of  "dating" is to find one's mate. And I ain't playin' no games.
3. a believer in True Love Waits for a ring! (1 Thessalonians 4:3-5)4.
4. Be my best friend.
5. someone funny. Fo' real. If you can't make me laugh, then that's just crazy, because I laugh at things that aren't even funny. (Proverbs 17:22)
6. someone who will love me despite all the weird crap I do. (1 Peter 3:7)
7. A man to lovingly laugh at me. (1 Peter 3:7)
8. A man to step up to the responsibilities of being a man. (Ephesians 5:23)
9. Someone who wants to pray for me.
10.                      wants kids. Three-ish.
11.                      wants to adopt. This one deserves stars around it. It's kind of a big deal to me.
12.                      will keep me accountable.

So, first off, God and I have been dealing with some serious things lately. For about a  month. And I have been bringing His judgment into question a lot lately. Now let me add that I believe that it is okay to question God, to ask Him what is going on, to ask Him why something is going on, and so on.
You ask questions when you are in a relationship. That's how it builds and grows.
What's not okay is when you don't stop at questioning- you question, but then  you run away before an answer can even be uttered. I find too often it is easier to point and question, but sometimes the answer is not as easy to receive.

"Then, after desire has conceived, it gives birth to sin; and sin, when it is full-grown, gives birth to death." (James 1:15, NIV)

This verse became relevant in my situation like never before. And it was dark and scary. It wasn't me. But with all that had happened, I was beginning to feel like I didn't actually know who me was. Confusion is one of the Opponents greatest weapons. And he taunts me with it. And how often have you been mad at someone, and then someone else comes over to complain about the same person you are, and it's so easy just to say I know! and vent with them.
Well venting with the devil is probably the worst idea I've ever heard of.
Satan took my frustration and confusion and pity and took these things that aren't of God and somehow led them back to Him. And I ate it up.
I wallowed.
As shameful as it is to admit, it is what it is. I couldn't understand- and if I'm going to be honest, I still don't understand. And when God throws you a curveball, it's hard to keep saying God is Good.Is He? Is God good?
That's the question it came down to for me.
Would a good God
...take family members away? Suddenly. It's part of life to die. But what about my grandfather? He died of a heart attack. Before I was even born. My mom was in her twenties. And what about my friend, who lost one of her parents when she was six? Or what about the Winter's family, who lost a husband and father two years ago? What about two couples that go to our church- both carrying their babies inside of them only to deliver them and lose them days later?
There were some other pretty big things God and I had to get through together, but for the privacy of others that were involved, I am not going to disclose them. But two big things were happening in my life, and I could not find God. 
How does that equate to a good God? I'm not quite sure.
I don't understand why sometimes God chooses to take people in such a way that it's like death is stabbing us right through the heart. I don't know why any of anything happens right now. My lack of knowledge is the root of my weakness. But here's where God meets me where I am: 

But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore, I will boast all the more gladly about my weakness, so that Christ's power may rest on me. (2 Corinthians 12:9)

Did you catch that?
Perfect.
Here's the Ashlee Abridged Version: (and I don't mean abridged. Mine is twice as long)

Here's what he said to me. "My grace- it's big enough. I can handle this, I promise. And I will carry your burden for you. When you relinquish this weakness, that's when I can show you just how awesome I am. So let me show you. " So I'm going to let Christ take this heavy burden off my shoulders. I'm going to shout my faults and weaknesses because that's what makes Christ so great- He can handle all of the darkness that I cling to.

So here I am, shouting.

I don't understand you, God. I don't know why you do what you do, why what happens to me happens, and why sometimes I run from you. I don't know.
But I know what you say, you mean. And if you say that you are a good God, I believe you. If you say there's a purpose for all this, then I believe you. If you choose not to explain yourself, then I'll drop it. I'll trust you with this. Because I've tried everything else. And there's no where to go.


There's my burden. Here's my heart. 


Before I began to write this, I was sitting at my sister's house (I'm housesitting) and I felt like I needed to memorize the book of James. To be honest, at time I didn't know why. But something (hello! It was God I bet ;) in me just said, James. Memorize it. The whole thing.
In the same breath I began to write down all the verses, and I began to memorize it. I only have the first six verses. But after writing this, I now see why James needed to be such a big deal in my life. 

Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, when you face trials of many kinds. For we know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish it's work, so that you may mature and complete, not lacking anything. If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you. But when you ask, you must believe and not doubt, for the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind.

And there you have it, folks. He's gone and done it again.

My heart has been so touched by this little man. In ways that I don't even know if I can write.
Walter has been my boy since the beginning. He was new to our program this year and the first night he attached his sweet little self to me and he's been my bud ever since. I think he secretly knew my name this whole time, but he hasn't called me Ashlee until tonight (our final night going over until the fall). I've wrote about Walter before, which just goes to show how much this little boy has my heart.
I really know nothing about him. I don't know Walter's home life. I don't know where he lives, where he goes to school, and if he is treated right at home. I don't know if Walter comes from a broken family like me, or if his mom and dad are around. His infectious smile would suggest that Walter lives a very happy life, but really, I don't know anything about this kid.
Which makes it so confusing as to why I love him so much. But I do.
Tonight Walter sat down next to me to eat his hot dog (which was a mess, by the way. The child has no concept of a napkin) and when he was finished he looked at me and said, "Can I sit on your lap?" So as he was sitting on my lap in 90 degree weather, I began to reflect on how this is one of the last times that I'm going to see these kids. Although the optimist in me says that I'll be able to come back often from college, the realist in me says that's probably not going to be too practical. I have maybe one or two more times to make an impact on these kids, and encourage the younger leaders in continuing this project. I was thinking about Walter growing up, and the paths that he might take one day. Let's face it- Walter doesn't live in the greatest area possible. The thought of Walter growing up and making the wrong choices makes me feel nauseous. The thought of any one of these beautiful kids getting mixed up is a thought I don't gladly entertain. But sometimes, life is what it is. However, thinking about this has sparked something in me that I am ashamed is just now happening. Prayer. Actively and wholeheartedly praying for these children daily. Praying for their today, their tomorrow and their eternity. Praying for seeds to be planted, watered, grown and harvested. So I'm planning every day for the rest of until God tells me other wise, picking one child a week and praying for them vigilantly. For those of you reading, I'm asking you to do the same. I know a lot of you (hopefully a lot of people read this) probably don't know these children, but I know that you can agree that they are extremely special to God. I truly believe that God will lead those who are willing into an attitude of prayer. I've heard so many stories of people praying off-the-wall things for people because that's what they felt and it turns out that God was using those prayers. I'm hoping that will happen here. I'm going to attach a file with every child's name and a picture of them in an upcoming post.
What I'm going to do is print out the picture, memorize their name, and put up the picture somewhere I look frequently, like a mirror, or a cell phone background, locker computer screen, ect.
Write their name on your hand. See it, and say a three second prayer.
If someone asks you why you have a little black kid on your phone/mirror ect, tell them! Get them involved too. How awesome would it be if these children got a hedge of protection placed around them because you took five minutes out of your morning to talk to Jesus about these kids!

Jehovah Shammah

Yahweh is There.

Doing this study, I have been taught so much about the Father that I didn't know before. He has one name, but within His ultimate name, He has several 'nick'names if you will, that tell us who He truly is. This week, God revealed Himself as Jehovah Shammah, or The LORD is There. What a beautiful name! I've spoke before of my deep love in definitives in the Bible. I loose my mind when God leaves no room for misinterpretation and just shows who He is and what He is and what He longs to be for me. I love when God says He IS something. Because God isn't a sometimes kind of guy. He's an always. He IS there. He is not sometimes there. He is not sometimes listening. He is not sometimes my healer, He doesn't provide for me whenever He feels like it. No, God makes it clear. He IS. His name, Yahweh, or, "I AM" tells us that much. So the fact that God just told me that He IS there- in a time in my life when I'm scared to be alone- well that is something that I hold close to my heart right now.

Don't you also love how God waits to tell you something until you absolutely need it the most? Throughout this series God has revealed Himself to me at precisely the right moment with the proper and fitting name. Because He is amazing like that.

But anyway back to God's name for this week. I got to thinking about this name, and I feel like it can be interpreted three different ways (probably more but that's what I got)

First, God is There as in God is Present.

God understands. He is joining us, he is a part of us. When you speak to someone, excluding the answering machine, they must be present to hear you and respond. You cannot communicate with someone if they are not present in some form. The same stands true for God. God is Here- he is listening and responding, however, sometimes it is not the clearest response or the response we were hoping for (do you think sometimes God does respond [with actions are circumstances] however they are so opposite of what we wanted that we either refuse or deflect them as God's communication and wait on "our" answer? I DO.)

Second, God is There as in God is Involved.

Continuing on my last thought, I think it is a fair assumption that if God is Present, He is also Involved. Although sometimes God doesn't always intervene, He is still involved. He desires to hear us. To know us. And even though He knows everything, He still just wants to hear our voices and He wants us to come to Him. He wants to be active and involved in His children's lives. That's why He's there all the time. He is waiting on us to utilize the gift of undivided attention.

Third, God is There as in God is Dwelling.

This is probably my favorite, but also the most concerning and frightening. The Bible teaches in Romans 8:9 that the Holy Spirit dwells in believers of Christ. God lives in me. His home is in my soul. This, my friends, is a win. A famous song says, "How many kings step down from their thrones?" How many Kings in history have stepped down to be one with their people? And when you think about what a king is like, how to do you picture them? In the fields with the commoners, or on an elevated throne, separated from those more lowly.

God didn't just step down from His throne to dwell with us- no, He stepped off His throne to become one of us.