Dear Satan,

YAHWEH created my inmost being. He knit me together. He hems me together, behind and before. He lays His hand upon me. I am fearfully and wonderfully made. My frame was not hidden from Him when He intricately wove me together in the secret place. His eyes saw my unformed body. YAHWEH has searched me and known me. And He is leading me to path of the everlasting. God, the master artist, does not make junk. So deal.
Love, the daughter of the Most High, Ashlee.

No Sweeter Name

Take a moment to listen to Hillsong Chapel's song, Yahweh.
 I don't think today Christians understand what this name means. More so, what it means that we can freely say it.
In today's Biblical translation, YAHWEH (or YHWH) is translated as LORD (not to be confused with Lord, or Hebrew, adonai), or God. It appears six thousand seven hundred and seventy-five times in the English Standard Version of the Bible. It can be broken into two separate words, Y, being 'he' and HWY, translating has 'being'. This is how we get our present day translation of Exodus 3:14 which says, "I AM who I AM".
I just, AM. What a wonderfully enigmatic definition. Enigmatic, yet for those who claim the name of Christ, clarity comes in a way we cannot explain. God just, is. He is all things, He is in all things, He is has made all things, He is.
The Hebrews understood this, and were afraid.
The name could not be spoken. It could barely be written. In fact, when the name was written, the scribe had to stop what he was doing and get a new pen.
Imagine that today. I'm typing and as soon as I write YHWH, I have to go out, buy a new laptop, and continue to write. That pen was never to be used again.
It was, and is, the Holiest of names. The Hebrews could not even utter it.

And we are called to boldly approach the throne, and call God by name.
He spoke His name to us so we could say it-- and find power within it. Time and time in Scripture we see people calling unto the LORD--- calling out to YAHWEH.

It is beyond an honor that God allows us to call Him by name.
It is beyond fathomable that God would want us to even know His name.
The veil was torn, and the separation was removed forever.
I hope that one day I can truly understand what His name means, and I believe that when my work on earth is accomplished for His Glory and He calls me to be in His presence forever I will understand it fully.
But for now, I, as well as my fellow believers, need to recognize the severity of this name.
It is not just a name. It is so much more.
 God's name is not something to toy with lightly. It should not be said lightly, and at one point, it was not to be said at all.
We are defiling the name of God if we use it in any other sense than praise.
This has been a huge struggle with me in the past, and it wasn't until a friend pointed out to me what I was doing before I even realized it was a sin.
We as a body of believers need to realize what we are saying.
Enough of this, "Oh my God" garbage.
Enough of using God's name to express pleasure, hatred, ungodly excitement, or vanity.

Please understand this name, and understand the weight and power it holds.
Do not utter YAHWEH's name unless you are speaking directly to Him- for that in itself is an honor.

It is time we reclaim the name.

I'm Going to Haiti

I can't wait to be with the people of Haiti

Now, I know I make these definitive statements all the time. I'm always "going to Uganda" or "going to India", and I believe one day those will both be true. But this statement is different. I am literally going to Haiti- in March.
And I am more than eager. It's almost borderline excessive, how excited I am. And there are a few reasons why I am so excited. To aptly tell this story, however, I need to back up and start at the beginning. The waaay beginning.
First let me say that I am such a hipster. I attended a youth conference where David Platt was the speaker. This was pre-Radical, and no one really knew who he was. I remember he wore a shirt that said, "mini van, mega fun" and I was like, this dude is legit. That is not the point at all, but I would just like to state it for the records, if anyone is keeping them.
The conference was a week long, and somewhere around day two he told a story of a missionary that was skinned alive for sharing the gospel. He commented on the man's dedication to the Gospel. This man willingly was skinned alive because He understood that this was God's call. God was going be glorified, and that was more than enough reason to die for the sake of the Gospel.
I was moved. I remember as a freshman in highschool thinking, God, please please please never call me to be a missionary. Please.
The next night I was certain that I was supposed to be a missionary.
You heard me.
Jesus rocked my world that night.
I mostly kept this to myself throughout high school. I felt so hideously unqualified. And also vastly terrified of what that was going to mean for my life. But I always had that  nagging on my Spirit, whispering the promise of missions. I knew deep down that if I were to totally follow the Lord, I wasn't going to stay in the United States.
Jump forward almost four years later, and I am a journalism major, emphasis in photojournalism, with a minor in missions and special education. I'll spend another blog about how all that happened some other time.
The point being, I am so beyond eager to get my feet wet (so to speak) in missions. Honestly, if a reputable person approached me tomorrow and asked if I would go to India on a mission trip, I would tell them my bag was already packed-- at least in my mind.
So when the opportunity arose for me to possibly go to Haiti over Spring Break, I was all over that.
Until I got to the meeting and found out we're going to be building houses.
Now, there is absolutely nothing wrong with this. In fact, it's awesome. But I was looking for something more with kids.
Which is exactly what I told God as the leader of the team was speaking.
Shut up for a second, God replied.
Okay, fine.
The leader's next words were, 
"We'll spend the say building the houses, but the highlight of the whole day is when we get back to the place we're staying and the kids are waiting to play with you"
Okay, God. I'm listening.
This trip began to sound better and better. At this point I'm getting really in to everything Nathan, the team leader, was saying. Then God spoke again.
1700.
That's it. That's all I heard. And I was like, God, what is this? What am I supposed to do with 1700?
I'm talking, but not really hearing anything back. And then I know. I know like I've only known one other time.
Okay, God. If this trip costs $1700 or less, I will go to Haiti. No questions asked. No if ands or buts. I'll go.
Nathan all the sudden goes, "Okay, now we're going to talk about cost." I knew it was coming.
He continued, "Last year, it was about $2900 to go, but this year we've gotten better deals on airfare and lodging, so it's not going to be as expensive"
JUST SAY IT. I'm thinking. I know you're going to.
"So this trip is going to be $1700."

My stomach dropped. Not in a bad way, but just in a, "I just had an actual conversation with the Holy Spirit and that's what's up" way.
I started crying, but apparently no one noticed and I was thankful for that.
Then God replayed the words I had just spoken. I will go, no questions asked.
Touche God. Touche.
I have questioned nothing about this trip. I am not worrying about how I will pay, or what else I could do with my break. I am not worrying about how God will use me. I am going to Haiti, and God is going to do something amazing.

 
It didn't really hit me until a few days ago that God is sending me to a different country to proclaim His name and bring glory to His Kingdom-to be a light. To be His voice. To be His hands and feet. To be His smile. To be His ambassador.

Me.  Also known as a sinner.

Me. A wretch.

Me. An unqualified, selfish, mess of a sinner.

YAHWEH chose me. He is using me.

 I began to weep. I hate that word, but it's the only word that fits, and even then, it doesn't seem to be enough. I began to understood God in a new way. I mean, what kind of King sends a peasant to do His bidding? A great one.
An indescribable one.
A faithful one.

I encourage you to find where God is calling you, and understand the severity of the call. God is calling you to speak on His behalf. God is wanting to use you, wherever that might be. Do not ignore Him, or be discouraged if it is in your hometown. "Missions" does not have to be across the globe, or even out of your neighborhood. God's sovereignty is unparalleled.
Call to Him. I will go. No questions asked. No if ands or buts. I will go.

He is faithful.

Please also join with me in praying for the beloved people of Haiti. Yes, pray for reconciliation of their land, but their problems stem from Spiritual instability first and foremost, being predominantly practicers of Voodoo for the past 200 years. Pray that God will soften Haitian hearts to the Gospel, and our team will fearlessly and boldly share the love of God with them. Pray for His Kingdom to come to Haiti. Pray that God will be glorified by the people of Haiti. That God will reign in the hearts and lives of the Haitian people.

Earnestly I Seek You

God has been dealing with me pretty radically lately.
And without going into immense detail, He shared a truth with me yesterday that had legitimately never entered my mind. Often I find myself finally realizing a truth I've heard a million times before but never understanding, so this was quite a difference for me.
It all started with me being a girl. I'm at Asbury, and I didn't know it when I decided to come here but basically you do two things when you come here. You go on a mission trip, and you get married. Not necessarily in that order. When you are a single woman at Asbury University, you better expect to hear about dating/courting/engagements and marriage daily. Sometimes hourly.

So I've been acting like a typical girl and thinking about courtship and marriage, and thinking about how I want that to look. I catch myself thinking, I want him to ask me about my day or I just wish he would give me a compliment or I just want him to pursue me and want to know everything about me.
I was listening to music when I ended up on Fernando Ortega's  "Psalm 63", and I decided that was my verse for the week.
And I realized something interesting. David writes,

O God, you are my God; earnestly I seek you;
    my soul thirsts for you;
my flesh faints for you,
   as in a dry and weary land where there is no water.

God- You are my God. And I seek you earnestly.
I desire to be sought after earnestly. I desire to be someones. The thing is, so does God.
Although my intentions are more romantic than Gods, they are still fundamentally the same. All the things I desire from my future husband are things God desires as well.
God wants me to talk to him. He wants to me to pursue Him. And I want Him to pursue me.
This revelation came after I had already decided that I am incapable of taking care of my own heart, so I've decided to give it completely over to God with the faith and knowledge that He finds it sacred, and will not give it to the wrong man.
So I've taken a vow if you will, to treat God how I expect to be treated by the man God gives my heart to, expecting that I will be treated the same. When I catch myself thinking about what I am hoping for or expecting, I realize more and more that those desires stem straight from the Father, and He is eager for me.

I urge you young women, to do the same. Knowing God's intentions will help you to discern men's. It has become quite a cliche, however I will always love the quote that says, "A woman's heart should be so hidden in Christ that a man should have to seek Him first to find her."
How much easier will it be to see the man God has ordained for you if you are looking at the one who ordained it?
Therefore, I will earnestly seek God, as I am to be earnestly sought. The rest will work itself out.

Is it acceptable to watch sin?

Is it acceptable to watch sin, even if it isn't technically real?

This has been the question on my mind recently, and the short answer I have arrived at is no, for no other reason than I am trying to justify my actions-- and that's never a good sign.

But it goes past that.

Should I as a Christian draw entertainment from sin? When worded like that, the idea sounds a little backwards. As a new creation in Christ, I should be weary to idly witness sin. If the Holy Spirit of God dwells within me, then I should be horrified to take any enjoyment or satisfaction in watching others sin.

Romans 12:9 makes it pretty clear how we are to act towards sin. Paul writes,

"Love must be sincere. Hate what is evil, cling to what is good." 

However, I am guilty as most of watching rated R films laden with sexual references and foul language. You come to the point where you can seemingly completely tune the bad content out.

I say seemingly because whether we realize it, our lives are being impacted by what we witness in the media constantly. We draw our perceptions of love, beauty and truth by what we see portrayed in movies.

Currently from where I sit in the library I can see a couple, maybe juniors, who judging by the ring on her finger are engaged, and are, for lack of a better term, groping each other. I mean, these two have their hands all over everything. Mostly her on him. Which isn't surprising in the least.

Why do couples feel like the only way they can connect to one another is through physical acts like touching and kissing and most importantly (and disturbing) sex?
Because that is what the media says love is.

Think about it for a moment-- you shouldn't have to think long. When a couple "falls in love" in the movies, they usually always end up having sex, to "show" their feelings.

That's not love. That's passionate lust.

But our young people are being taught that love = sex.
This is a half truth. Sex is a part of love, but is to be used inside of marriage and only marriage.

I am not under the impression that the only way I can show someone I love them is by jumping into bed with them or sucking their face off.
Love is not sex. Love does not equal sex. 1 Corinthians does not say,

Sex is patient. Sex is kind. Sex does not envy or boast, sex is not proud. Sex does not dishonor others, sex is not self-seeking, sex is not easily angered. Sex keeps no record of wrongs. Sex does not delight in evil, but sex rejoices in truth. Sex always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
Sex never fails.

This clearly is not God's interpretation of sex, but this is definitely America's interpretation.

But if I (and Christians who agree with me) continue to watch sin in the media, our perceptions are bound to change. We cannot think for a moment that we can be innocent bystanders and not be affected.

If you were to happen to be in front of a building when it caught on fire, would you stay near it to watch it burn, or would you get as far away as possible in case the fire spread?

I would run. And I should have the same philosophy when watching sin in the media.

Kim Kardashian Files For Divorce

Well, that's embarrassing.

.......after 72 days.

She's stated as saying, "It just didn't work out".

I wonder why. Actually, I don't wonder why. I know why. I'm reminded by something the Apostle Paul once said to the church of Corinth. He wrote,

"By the grace God has given me, I laid a foundation as a wise builder, and someone else is building on it. But each one should build with care. ¹¹ For no one can lay any foundation other than the one already laid, which is Jesus Christ. ¹² If anyone builds on this foundation using gold, silver, costly stones, wood, hay or straw, ¹³ their work will be shown for what it is, because the Day will bring it to light. It will be revealed with fire, and the fire will test the quality of each person’s work. ¹⁴ If what has been built survives, the builder will receive a reward. ¹⁵ If it is burned up, the builder will suffer loss but yet will be saved—even though only as one escaping through the flames."

Although Paul wasn't specifically speaking of marriage, he is talking about the church, who is Christ's bride. And if man's relationship with his wife is supposed to be a mirror of Christ's relationship with the church, then everything Paul says in relation to Christ can be applied to marriage, in my opinion.
By that logic, Paul reveals some key things about marriage.

First off, marriage is to be built on Christ, first and foremost. I've seen many weddings, built on many different foundations, and I can tell  you which ones survive and which ones don't. Hollywood alone can attest to the rate of failed marriages that aren't founded in Christ.

But does 'being a Christian' make marriage easy? Quite the contrary. I'm only 18 and I already  know how difficult marriage can be. And I've seen Christian marriages fail. Being a Christian doesn't automatically mean that your marriage passes go and collects $200.

However I stand by my beliefs that if Christ is legitimately the foundation of your life and then marriage, then by the grace of God your marriage can survive and actually be glorifying.

Paul goes on to assure the church that trials will come, and our work will be shown. Fire will test the quality of each work. Why would you want a foundation that is anything other than that of the man that bore the sin of humanity?

The end of this passage is what gets me every time. Paul is saying that the person will be saved; but only as someone who narrowly escaped the flames.

Personally, I don't want to live a life that just barely makes it. I don't want a marriage that makes it by the skin of our teeth.

I want a full life. I want a marriage full of laughter and joy.
I don't want a marriage that barely survives, or doesn't survive at all.

I don't want to be 72 days into marriage and give up.

That's just embarrassing. It's embarrassing for the entire union of marriage. The purpose of marriage is to demonstrate how Christ loves the Church. Christ doesn't give up on His people. Divorce isn't an option for Jesus, so why should it be for us?

Spend a little more time with a person before you marry them. Seek God's Will, and do not enter marriage unless you are ready for a lifelong commitment.

It's time that we take back marriage.

Religion Ain't Bad, It's Just Misunderstood.

In keeping with my previous trend, I am going to talk about the misconception that seems to surround the word religion. I would be lying to you if I said that sometimes I cringe at the word. That kind of upsets me. Because religion is not the problem. It really never has been. If we look at the definition of religion, we will see that simply put it just means, the service and worship of God.

There, that's not so bad.

So why does society (and Christians specifically it would seem) flee from calling ourselves "religious"?

Because it has such a negative connotation.

A lot of "crazy" people have also been "religious", and Biblically speaking, the Pharisees were considered the "most religious", and look how that turned out for them.

I do not believe that religion gets you to heaven.

Serving God doesn't get you to Heaven. Worshiping God doesn't get you there either. Rather, they are products of your relationship with God.

Biblically speaking, the term religion only appears a scanty five times (in the English Standard Version), twice in Acts (25:19, 26:5), twice in James (1:26-27) and once in Colossians (2:23).

Really the only one of the five that speaks to what religion is, is found in James, which states:

"Religion that God the Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world" (ESV)

So by James' definition, religion is not so much about what you believe, but how you believe it.

In other words, James' definition of religion, undoubtedly supplied by the Holy Spirit, leans more towards religion being a term to describe the action of the relationship between Christ and His followers. So while no, Christianity is not soley a religion, there seems to be a balance between our relationship with Christ and how we act on it religiously.

So instead of getting bent out of shape because someone calls you "religious", take it as a compliment. And ratify the term by claiming "religion" and  honoring God through it.

If you're reading this, I'm going to urge you to stop and instead go read what the Bible has to say on the subject of love. As a culture we have complete desensitized ourselves to its meaning. We do not understand what the word even means. Let me pause here by saying that I'm under no false pretenses that I am an expert in the subject, nor do I find myself in the right here. I'm as guilty as anyone of this love misconception epidemic.
We have robbed ourselves as Christians by losing the meaning of the word love.

Look through Scripture and find an instance when the story goes something like this,
And Jesus said, "God, I love manna. It's so delicious."
And Jesus said, "God, I love hanging out with you guys. You're so cool."
And Jesus said, "OMG I love this song!"

(Now if you notice, I also brought up another one of my pet peeves, which is the improper use of God's name, but that's for another day)

I don't think that we will find any of those phrases in Scripture. Why? Because that's not what the word love means. But I myself have said all three of those things. This week. Well, I said bread, not manna. You get my point.

I've also said, "Lord, I love you."

Ouch. So I love bread. I love hanging out with my friends. I love a song. I love Jesus.

Why in the world would I use a word to describe how I feel about my Savior to also describe bread.

More often than not, what we mean by love is really like or enjoy.

But the word love has become a universal term to show appreciation or enjoyment for something. The reason we cannot define the word love is because it's used for everything.
If we knew what the word truly meant, I think we would be more weary to use it improperly.

"But God demonstrates His own love for us in this: while we were still sinners, Christ died for us"

What Paul just said is that love is an agent that drives us to set aside ourselves completely, even to the point of brutal, torturous death for the object of which we love.

And we say we love pizza.

But that's God's love,

you might want to argue, as I did in trying to justify myself. That is true, this is Godly love. But God Himself commands us as Christians to "Be Holy as I am Holy", and to follow the example of Christ. So this is the love that Christ commands us to have.

Do we understand that when we say "Gosh, I love this song", truly we implying that we set aside ourselves completely, even to the point of brutal, torturous death for this song"

In my opinion, the Love Misconception accounts for almost everything that is wrong with the world. People "fall in love", but get divorced after 30 years of marriage. People "make love", but are left with a brokenness. 

This isn't the love the Bible speaks of. And although my mind doesn't even begin to comprehend God's, I would assume that it's a slap in the face to one minute profess our 'love' for pizza, or a song, or even another person, and the next proclaim that same 'love' for YHWH.

If you cannot tell, I am pretty convicted and torn up over this. And because I never want to be a Phariseetian (yes, I made this up), I am going to put action to my words. I am, starting now, going to take a few extra breaths and say that I "really really like" pizza.
If I truly love the Lord, then everything else should look like hate.

"If anyone comes to me and does not hate father and mother, wife and children, brothers and sisters—yes, even their own life—such a person cannot be my disciple."
(Luke 14)

Obviously Jesus isn't encouraging hatred, but what He is saying is that your love for God should be so immense that everything by comparison looks like hate.

So join me, if the Holy Spirit has so convicted you, to become sensitized to the word love and it's meaning, and see how radically your view of love changes.

The Parable of the Lost Coin goes something like this, [Jesus said], "Or what woman, having ten silver coins, if she loses one coin, does not light a lamp and sweep the house and seek diligently until she finds it? And when she has found it, she call together her friends and neighbors, saying, 'Rejoice with me, for I have found the coin that I had lost.' Just so, I tell you, there is joy before the angels of God over one sinner who repents."
________________________________

I stumbled upon this verse today in my New Testament class (imagine that!), and I had an epiphany. To tell you the truth, apart from my teacher's relatively bad puns, I cannot remember much of what was said, and class just ended. I cannot remember because God was speaking to me today, through Luke.
Read through those words one more time.
It hit me like never before that God is never a passive God. Ever.
Although admittedly it's a little strange that I interpret God as the woman in this parable, nevertheless the meaning still stands.
Like the woman and her coin, God finds intrinsic value in us as His children. What fool idly stands by when he looses money? If you are anything like me, you usually seek after that pesky penny that jumps out of your wallet or purse and rolls under something, usually a counter or refrigerator or something else irritating. Or Heaven forbid a dollar falls out of my back pocket.

Why do we do that? Why do we not just leave the money on the ground?
Because it's valuable.
So why does God not leave us when we are lost?
Because. We are valuable.
This parable says that the woman diligently sought for the coin she had lost, going as far as to light a lamp [implying darkness], and sweeping her whole home until  she finds it.
Likewise, God diligently seeks after His lost children, lighting a lamp in our darkness and He sweeps across the world to find us. God does not wait for us. We do not operate on His time table. Instead, He does everything He possibly can to seek us.
And if that is not reason enough to praise Him, read on further.
The woman gets her friends and basically throws a party. For one coin. ONE. COIN. I'm thinking, come on lady. You have nine other coins. Talk about frugal. Why do you have to have the tenth?
Because it's valuable.
And just as the woman in this parable most likely planned to use that coin to accomplish a goal, so our Father plans to use us similarly.
God is not idle.
He does not stand around, moping that He has lost His coin. No, He diligently seeks it, and rejoices with all of Heaven when one of His children returns.

What a beautiful God we serve.

Today I spent some time with my sister, and, after I did some pretty weird things, she looked at me and said, "I am so surprised that you are single". I found this extra comical because, and my camp roommates can attest to this, I say this all the time! (jokingly, of course)
But it got me thinking about what I am looking for. Once I was told to make a God-centered list of what I look for in a duderino, and never waiver on it. Although some of these are goofy, most of them are actually pretty legit for me. I'm not looking right now, so to the dozens of potential suitors that will reply to this: I'll keep you in mind, but I can't make any promises right now. (I feel like I should mention that this was my attempt to be sarcastic via interweb).
Also, ladies that read this: I urge you to make your own list of things you look for- and not settle for anything less! No, men aren't perfect- they won't always say what men say in Nicholas Sparks books, and maybe they won't surprise us randomly with flowers (Hey bros, PS, we like that a LOT!) and they probably will never willingly want to talk about their feelings or whatever. But they're are certain things that aren't up for discussion.
So here's my list. I am looking for:

1. a Christ-follower. (2 Corinthians 6:14)
2. a long term relationship. I believe that the purpose of  "dating" is to find one's mate. And I ain't playin' no games.
3. a believer in True Love Waits for a ring! (1 Thessalonians 4:3-5)4.
4. Be my best friend.
5. someone funny. Fo' real. If you can't make me laugh, then that's just crazy, because I laugh at things that aren't even funny. (Proverbs 17:22)
6. someone who will love me despite all the weird crap I do. (1 Peter 3:7)
7. A man to lovingly laugh at me. (1 Peter 3:7)
8. A man to step up to the responsibilities of being a man. (Ephesians 5:23)
9. Someone who wants to pray for me.
10.                      wants kids. Three-ish.
11.                      wants to adopt. This one deserves stars around it. It's kind of a big deal to me.
12.                      will keep me accountable.

So, first off, God and I have been dealing with some serious things lately. For about a  month. And I have been bringing His judgment into question a lot lately. Now let me add that I believe that it is okay to question God, to ask Him what is going on, to ask Him why something is going on, and so on.
You ask questions when you are in a relationship. That's how it builds and grows.
What's not okay is when you don't stop at questioning- you question, but then  you run away before an answer can even be uttered. I find too often it is easier to point and question, but sometimes the answer is not as easy to receive.

"Then, after desire has conceived, it gives birth to sin; and sin, when it is full-grown, gives birth to death." (James 1:15, NIV)

This verse became relevant in my situation like never before. And it was dark and scary. It wasn't me. But with all that had happened, I was beginning to feel like I didn't actually know who me was. Confusion is one of the Opponents greatest weapons. And he taunts me with it. And how often have you been mad at someone, and then someone else comes over to complain about the same person you are, and it's so easy just to say I know! and vent with them.
Well venting with the devil is probably the worst idea I've ever heard of.
Satan took my frustration and confusion and pity and took these things that aren't of God and somehow led them back to Him. And I ate it up.
I wallowed.
As shameful as it is to admit, it is what it is. I couldn't understand- and if I'm going to be honest, I still don't understand. And when God throws you a curveball, it's hard to keep saying God is Good.Is He? Is God good?
That's the question it came down to for me.
Would a good God
...take family members away? Suddenly. It's part of life to die. But what about my grandfather? He died of a heart attack. Before I was even born. My mom was in her twenties. And what about my friend, who lost one of her parents when she was six? Or what about the Winter's family, who lost a husband and father two years ago? What about two couples that go to our church- both carrying their babies inside of them only to deliver them and lose them days later?
There were some other pretty big things God and I had to get through together, but for the privacy of others that were involved, I am not going to disclose them. But two big things were happening in my life, and I could not find God. 
How does that equate to a good God? I'm not quite sure.
I don't understand why sometimes God chooses to take people in such a way that it's like death is stabbing us right through the heart. I don't know why any of anything happens right now. My lack of knowledge is the root of my weakness. But here's where God meets me where I am: 

But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore, I will boast all the more gladly about my weakness, so that Christ's power may rest on me. (2 Corinthians 12:9)

Did you catch that?
Perfect.
Here's the Ashlee Abridged Version: (and I don't mean abridged. Mine is twice as long)

Here's what he said to me. "My grace- it's big enough. I can handle this, I promise. And I will carry your burden for you. When you relinquish this weakness, that's when I can show you just how awesome I am. So let me show you. " So I'm going to let Christ take this heavy burden off my shoulders. I'm going to shout my faults and weaknesses because that's what makes Christ so great- He can handle all of the darkness that I cling to.

So here I am, shouting.

I don't understand you, God. I don't know why you do what you do, why what happens to me happens, and why sometimes I run from you. I don't know.
But I know what you say, you mean. And if you say that you are a good God, I believe you. If you say there's a purpose for all this, then I believe you. If you choose not to explain yourself, then I'll drop it. I'll trust you with this. Because I've tried everything else. And there's no where to go.


There's my burden. Here's my heart. 


Before I began to write this, I was sitting at my sister's house (I'm housesitting) and I felt like I needed to memorize the book of James. To be honest, at time I didn't know why. But something (hello! It was God I bet ;) in me just said, James. Memorize it. The whole thing.
In the same breath I began to write down all the verses, and I began to memorize it. I only have the first six verses. But after writing this, I now see why James needed to be such a big deal in my life. 

Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, when you face trials of many kinds. For we know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish it's work, so that you may mature and complete, not lacking anything. If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you. But when you ask, you must believe and not doubt, for the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind.

And there you have it, folks. He's gone and done it again.

My heart has been so touched by this little man. In ways that I don't even know if I can write.
Walter has been my boy since the beginning. He was new to our program this year and the first night he attached his sweet little self to me and he's been my bud ever since. I think he secretly knew my name this whole time, but he hasn't called me Ashlee until tonight (our final night going over until the fall). I've wrote about Walter before, which just goes to show how much this little boy has my heart.
I really know nothing about him. I don't know Walter's home life. I don't know where he lives, where he goes to school, and if he is treated right at home. I don't know if Walter comes from a broken family like me, or if his mom and dad are around. His infectious smile would suggest that Walter lives a very happy life, but really, I don't know anything about this kid.
Which makes it so confusing as to why I love him so much. But I do.
Tonight Walter sat down next to me to eat his hot dog (which was a mess, by the way. The child has no concept of a napkin) and when he was finished he looked at me and said, "Can I sit on your lap?" So as he was sitting on my lap in 90 degree weather, I began to reflect on how this is one of the last times that I'm going to see these kids. Although the optimist in me says that I'll be able to come back often from college, the realist in me says that's probably not going to be too practical. I have maybe one or two more times to make an impact on these kids, and encourage the younger leaders in continuing this project. I was thinking about Walter growing up, and the paths that he might take one day. Let's face it- Walter doesn't live in the greatest area possible. The thought of Walter growing up and making the wrong choices makes me feel nauseous. The thought of any one of these beautiful kids getting mixed up is a thought I don't gladly entertain. But sometimes, life is what it is. However, thinking about this has sparked something in me that I am ashamed is just now happening. Prayer. Actively and wholeheartedly praying for these children daily. Praying for their today, their tomorrow and their eternity. Praying for seeds to be planted, watered, grown and harvested. So I'm planning every day for the rest of until God tells me other wise, picking one child a week and praying for them vigilantly. For those of you reading, I'm asking you to do the same. I know a lot of you (hopefully a lot of people read this) probably don't know these children, but I know that you can agree that they are extremely special to God. I truly believe that God will lead those who are willing into an attitude of prayer. I've heard so many stories of people praying off-the-wall things for people because that's what they felt and it turns out that God was using those prayers. I'm hoping that will happen here. I'm going to attach a file with every child's name and a picture of them in an upcoming post.
What I'm going to do is print out the picture, memorize their name, and put up the picture somewhere I look frequently, like a mirror, or a cell phone background, locker computer screen, ect.
Write their name on your hand. See it, and say a three second prayer.
If someone asks you why you have a little black kid on your phone/mirror ect, tell them! Get them involved too. How awesome would it be if these children got a hedge of protection placed around them because you took five minutes out of your morning to talk to Jesus about these kids!

Jehovah Shammah

Yahweh is There.

Doing this study, I have been taught so much about the Father that I didn't know before. He has one name, but within His ultimate name, He has several 'nick'names if you will, that tell us who He truly is. This week, God revealed Himself as Jehovah Shammah, or The LORD is There. What a beautiful name! I've spoke before of my deep love in definitives in the Bible. I loose my mind when God leaves no room for misinterpretation and just shows who He is and what He is and what He longs to be for me. I love when God says He IS something. Because God isn't a sometimes kind of guy. He's an always. He IS there. He is not sometimes there. He is not sometimes listening. He is not sometimes my healer, He doesn't provide for me whenever He feels like it. No, God makes it clear. He IS. His name, Yahweh, or, "I AM" tells us that much. So the fact that God just told me that He IS there- in a time in my life when I'm scared to be alone- well that is something that I hold close to my heart right now.

Don't you also love how God waits to tell you something until you absolutely need it the most? Throughout this series God has revealed Himself to me at precisely the right moment with the proper and fitting name. Because He is amazing like that.

But anyway back to God's name for this week. I got to thinking about this name, and I feel like it can be interpreted three different ways (probably more but that's what I got)

First, God is There as in God is Present.

God understands. He is joining us, he is a part of us. When you speak to someone, excluding the answering machine, they must be present to hear you and respond. You cannot communicate with someone if they are not present in some form. The same stands true for God. God is Here- he is listening and responding, however, sometimes it is not the clearest response or the response we were hoping for (do you think sometimes God does respond [with actions are circumstances] however they are so opposite of what we wanted that we either refuse or deflect them as God's communication and wait on "our" answer? I DO.)

Second, God is There as in God is Involved.

Continuing on my last thought, I think it is a fair assumption that if God is Present, He is also Involved. Although sometimes God doesn't always intervene, He is still involved. He desires to hear us. To know us. And even though He knows everything, He still just wants to hear our voices and He wants us to come to Him. He wants to be active and involved in His children's lives. That's why He's there all the time. He is waiting on us to utilize the gift of undivided attention.

Third, God is There as in God is Dwelling.

This is probably my favorite, but also the most concerning and frightening. The Bible teaches in Romans 8:9 that the Holy Spirit dwells in believers of Christ. God lives in me. His home is in my soul. This, my friends, is a win. A famous song says, "How many kings step down from their thrones?" How many Kings in history have stepped down to be one with their people? And when you think about what a king is like, how to do you picture them? In the fields with the commoners, or on an elevated throne, separated from those more lowly.

God didn't just step down from His throne to dwell with us- no, He stepped off His throne to become one of us.

Oh my gosh, my life

...is basically over because yesterday evening we welcomed into the world the newest baby to have me wrapped around their finger: baby Blake.
This is my brother's newest son, and boy am I in love. So stinkin' cute.
I went to the hospital and Psalm 139 just kept repeating in my mind. If you've never read it, haven't read it in a while, or you just read it- you should go read it again (or for the first time) right now because it is my favorite chapter in the Bible and it is beautiful. And it rang new to me as I am expecting one day it will again when I'm becoming a mother myself- God knit together this beautiful little baby while he was in my brother's wife's womb. Blake's frame wasn't hidden from God in the secret place. God saw Blake before He was formed.  And every word that Blake will ever say, God knows. Even now before a single one of them have came to be. My prayer for baby Blake is that his words are those that bring honor and glory to Christ's name. My prayer for Blake is that all the days of his life, he will know the peace and comfort that comes from calling Jesus your best friend.

Happy Friday!

Ahhhhh. For the first time in what seems like ever, I am having a good Friday! I mean, we have our Bible study every Friday night and that always brings joy to my heart, but today, from start to, well it's not finished yet, so to now, I have been having a good day.
I woke up in my normal anti morning funk, which is usual. But when I left for school I saw one of the most beautiful skies I have ever seen. It wasn't really a sunrise, more than just a beautiful picture God wanted to bless me with today:

I just stood in wonder of God's majesty when I saw this. I was so grateful for who God was and is and will be because I serve a God that is constantly trying to connect with me in real and deep ways. Sometimes I don't think that I am in the sate of mind to hear God speak to me like I desperately want him to. Then there are times like this, in this moment in my life when I can see something some would chalk to science and know without a doubt that this is the Master, painting for me a beautiful skyline, reminding me that beauty is real and love is present.

I feel so blessed in this moment, and I'm sure anyone else who saw the beautiful sky this morning felt it was painted for them. And I believe it was. 

I love when God speaks to His people. And I love that He doesn't use boring words. He shows us.

I am so thankful that He shows us!

Sometimes, all I have left is knowing that in Christ, love never fails. I know I took this picture with two rings representative of marriage, but it goes so far beyond that. Marriage is representative with how Christ loves the church. And Christ's love never fails.

I LOVE THAT.

What a Blessing

This is Walter. He's one of the sweet children that I have had the privilege to get to know this past year. We look for each other when my group goes over there each month, and little Walter stays by my side for the majority of the evening. I love this little guy so much!

My heart today:

Today, I don't know what I want to write about but there is so much in my heart today (and this week, and this month and yeah you get the point) that I feel like I need to start writing some of it down to make room for all of these expanding emotions. For starters, I am mostly excited and happy. God has so deeply been opening my eyes to how profound His blessings are on me. Too many to accurately write about them with as much detail as they each deserve. And I lately have been so beyond impressed with God and all that He seems to want to do for me. The things He shows me, the things He says to me, they are things that He doesn't have to show me or say to me. He does all things because He loves me. He wants to share things with me, He wants me to know who He is and He wants to be with me.
He wants to bless me.
And too often I either don't realize that something is a blessing (most common in my life), or I choose to dwell on the opposite of God's blessings: Satan's attacks. I wish I could simply say I don't think I am alone on this, but sadly I would wager to say that everyone at one point has fallen victim to this grotesque fact about Satan: whenever God is raining blessings, Satan is spitting curses.
And like most good things, God's blessings often times come with a price that we are not qualified to pay. Too often times we allow ourselves to wallow in the curses Satan fires at us, and we are so angry and hurt and frustrated that we usually miss the point: Satan doesn't attack us for no reason. Why would he? Why would he waste his time like that? No, Satan's biggest and most hurting attacks come either right before God moves mightily, while God is in our midsts moving, or right after we have seen God do something incredible and we've made it (yet again) to that spiritual mountaintop.
But as we are at the top a strong wind that smells of jealousy, hurtful words, shame, doubt, chaos, tragedy, or a mixture knocks us down and instead of holding on to the mountainside of God's righteousness, we allow Satan to push us all the way down until the hurt we now feel gets too much to bear and we look up and beg God to take us back.
What is most ridiculous is that He does.
God NEVER says, "Oh now you want me." or "I told you so." No, He is so enthralled that we are back to Him that He forgets about how we let Satan get the better of us. (Read Luke 15:11-32)
Oh my goodness, how great is our God.
And this has been me lately.
Too much lately.
I will feel God so completely; I will be basking in His grace and Holiness and I am growing so deep in my relationship with Him. But like clockwork, Satan comes to steal my joy, and lately I have been letting him. He's been getting me through hateful words, through hurtful things friends have said (albeit unbeknown to them,), through confusion and uncertainty and mixed signals and blah blah blah.
And I let Satan rob me. I basically invite him in for a cup of coffee and then I give him some cookies and then I give him my joy and he's on his merry little way. And Jesus is standing there saying, "but, I gave you that joy. And I wanted us to share it.".
Double ouch.
I guess where this post ended up was how lately, I have been letting Satan rob me and that is something that honestly needs to stop. God's blessings are so good and beautiful, and I want to spend all of my time praising God for who He is and what He does in my life over anything else.
So Satan you can have anything you want. Just not my joy.
My prayer for those who read these words is that you would keep your joy as well.

Peace,
Ashlee

Matthew 5:8

Blessed are the pure in heart for they shall see God.

Blessed are the pure in heart for they shall see God.
They. Shall. See. God.
I want to see God. I want to see perfect beauty. I want to know God completely. I want to know every gorgeous facet that makes God so praiseworthy.
I want to be pure in heart before the King of Kings.
The thought of actually seeing God- of gazing at His face- seeing perfection- this is a scary and wonderful thought for me. I cannot imagine. But I also cannot imagine being pure in heart. Completely pure in heart. That is something that I am struggling with daily. I've shared before, I am dealing with a lot of emotions that have thrown me off balance. And I am worried most that I am letting my personal desires let me stray from my Godly desires.
But here is when my life takes a turn for the uncool:
These off the wall desires are Christ centered. So my dilemma is whether or not I can trust these emotions or not. When it comes down to it, I am trusting God and trusting that these emotions are valid through Him. If they are not, then I am also trusting that God has a good reason for not answering my repititious prayer to remove these feelings and desires.
My prayer today has been another if this is what it takes prayer. Today's prayer went a lot like this: God if it  takes my heart being broken for Your plan for my life to take shape; if somehow it takes my heart to be crushed and broken in order for me to fulfill the plan that You have designed for me then I pray that You would break my heart daily to use me. I have never had this mindset before but this whatever it takes mentality is sticking with me. I am certain this is a good thing, but it is a new thing and I am still adjusting to this new me. It's like my internal computer got an upgrade. I don't know how to respond to everything, and the old part of me is saying, hold on! Now don't go making all these promises like this!
But this whatever it takes Ashlee isn't listening, and there is a deep comfort that comes when you realize you do not care about yourself: old or new- there is a joy that comes when your only desire comes from chasing God's heart.

Jehovah Jireh

the LORD will Provide.

The question on my heart is if I truly believe that. Do I really believe that God is going to provide for me? Jehovah Jireh originated when God told Abraham to go to Moriah and sacrifice Isaac, his son-his only son-as a burnt offering to the Lord. If we review Abraham's life, we can understand why he immediately obeyed God (because, after all, God repeatedly demonstrated how He's not messing around). But still, a part of me wonders what Abraham must have been thinking. The book of Hebrews gives us some insight: Hebrews brings up the idea that Abraham knew that God's promises were true, valid, honest and sacred. One of God's promises to Abraham just happened to be that through Isaac, Abraham would be the father of many nations.

So instead of saying, "hey God, what's this about? A few chapters ago You said that Isaac was going to bring me many nations- well how is that going to happen if he's dead?", Abraham had the mindset of, "God promised that Isaac would bring me descendants. Well that hasn't happened yet so obviously God is going to do something mighty." At this point in the Bible, the idea of resurrection had never arose- for lack of a better term. It had never happened. But Abraham believed it could happen. He believed God could do things He had never done before.

Despite how Abraham tried to assist God in the past (like that Hagar mess), I venerate Abraham's faith that God was going to do something awesome: Abraham's faith was blind.

He took Isaac, bound him, and laid him on the altar. As he's about to 'sacrifice' his son, God speaks to Abraham and tells him to stop. Abraham sees a ram caught in the bushes and recognizes God's provision.

And the question that is on my heart is this: can I trust God with my Isaac? Can I trust Him with what I hold closest to my heart right now? 

It wasn't difficult or time consuming to acknowledge what my Isaac is. If I could sum it up with as little detail and complication as possible, I would describe my Isaac as my desires for my future.

For the past eight or so months, I have felt certain desires that feel like they are straight from God's lips. Things that have been bathed in prayer, feelings that have not changed. Feelings that have instead grown and become more deeply rooted in my soul.

This is my Isaac.

Do I trust God with what I believe are His future plans for my life?

Beyond that, will I still praise Him if this turns out not to be what He has for me?

Lately, my heart's deepest prayer has centered around a six letter sentence. If this is what it takes. 

If it takes 200 people slandering me to get those 200 people to hear about You, Lord if this is what it takes, then I pray that I take up my cross daily to follow you.

If You need to be silent now, and if You need to let me hold on to these desires a little longer, regardless of Your plan for my life or how it might break me later, God if this is what it takes for Your plan to take it's shape then I pray that You would break my heart daily in order to follow Your will for my life.

I don't know what God has in store for me in the future- not even for tomorrow. But I know that He is a beautiful God who can only produce beautiful things.

So I am laying my Isaac at the altar and I am expecting beauty. If God allows me to keep my Isaac, then praise be to the King of Kings. But if God removes this Isaac from my life, then praise will still be to the King of Kings.

And that is the absolute end of discussion.

I've been reading a lot out of Song of Songs lately, and I've been talking to my friends a lot lately about marriage and all of it has really just gotten me stoked!
Now, I understand that there is a chance that God's plan for my life does not include a husband. And although that's not necessarily what I want for myself, the root of my desires is to be in the center of God's will- whatever that may be. And if God wants me to be single for my entire life, then I have complete faith that He will take my current desires for a husband and mold them to fit His plan.
But as of now, I am looking forward to my future as a wife. I would be lying if I didn't say that I'm excited that it's a possibility for me. And I want to dedicate the rest of this post to what I'm looking for and why. This isn't a call out to any man, this is just what my heart feels and I love to write, so here we go.
The most important thing to me is that my husband loves the Lord. Now, I'm talking about true and deep love. Not the "I go to church every Sunday and I'm saved" relationship. I want my marriage to be so filled with Christ that we can't even explain it. I want Him to be the center of it all. And I want a marriage that seeks first His Kingdom. I need my husband to understand that nothing in the world comes before my Savior. I want a marriage that encourages me in my walk. I want a husband that leads me and draws me closer to God. I want us to be a husband and wife that pray together and pray for each other. I want to be able to argue with my husband and disagree with him. I want us to be able to get mad and one another be honest about how we're feeling. I don't want us to hide from each other. If I'm doing something that I shouldn't, or not doing something that I should, I want my husband to be able to talk to me about it and vice versa. I want our love to be a direct reflection of Christ's love for the church.
I want to know at all times, no matter what we are facing, that my husband loves me.
I want my husband to know at all times, no matter what we are facing, that I love him.
On a less deep note, I want to be able to laugh with him. A deep laugh- a laugh that only we can share. I want us to be able to laugh at ourselves and the silly things we do.
I want to be able to do crazy and wacky things without worrying what he thinks.
And I want my marriage to be an example to other couples. I want to be the old couple that has made it sixty years and love each other more than they ever thought was possible.
I want to be able to look back and see how God held us together throughout all that life threw us: all the pain and heartache and misery and confusion and stress- but also all the love and happiness and joy and togetherness we experienced.
I want us to find each other beautiful, in such a more deep way than just physical beauty. I wan my husband to be attracted to my soul, and I want to love my husband's heart first and foremost. The rest is just a bonus.
I want to marry my best friend. I don't want to just randomly meet him and start a relationship. I want our relationship to start as friends and get to the point where we realize there's no one else that we like spending time with. And therefore, I'll be marrying my best friend.  That's what I'm talking about!

I don't have time

I can't get enough of the song How He Loves by John Mark McMillan. Like, seriously cannot quit listening to it. This wouldn't be quite as alarming had I just heard this song, but I've known this song for ever. And I can't explain why all of the sudden I can't quit listening to it. It might have something to do with the fact that I more than enjoy singing it and I think that I don't sound too bad. But I think it goes way way deeper than that. I think I'm drawn to it because of it's honesty and humility. And JMM through this song has taught me that God's union with us- our love story -it's not neat. It's messy. It's embarrassing at times. Sometimes it doesn't seem worthwhile. But it's also beautiful. It's so beautiful. And precious. It is endearing, more so, enduring. Oh how He loves us. That's all we can say. Those five words are all we can manage sometimes because it's all the words that we can come up with. Just an exclamation that He loves us. At the beginning of the song JMM says, "He loves like a hurricane- I am a tree, bending beneath the weight of His wind and mercy." This reminds me of my conversation with God a few days ago. I love the idea of God being a hurricane. And I love the idea of His love being so strong that it bends us. It doesn't break us, it doesn't uproot us, but it impacts us. And we can't help but move.
He wants to shower me with love. And too often am I worried about my iniquity. I forget that He forgot. God's love is too powerful and too deep to keep a record of my wrongs (1 Cor 13). He doesn't want to hold a tally sheet against me. Because why would I want to be with Him if every time I was He reminded me of that one time...that other time when I....that day that I....
That isn't my God.
He just wants it to be Him and I. He doesn't want to share me with sin. He doesn't want me to be polluted. Which is why I make the decision to ask Him not to see me like that and He makes the decision to honor that prayer by forgetting it ever happened. And when that glorious thing happens, I become so blinded by his unyielding love that I can't remember my sins either. And that is brilliant. At this point in the post, I would be lying if I said that I have forgotten all of my sins. Of course not. And satan makes sure that I remember my sins loud and clear whenever I begin to see God's love fall on me. But- and here's the best part- I don't have time to maintain these regrets when I think about the way that He loves us.
I don't have time for you, satan. I don't have time for your games and your schemes. I don't have time to let you read all of my errors to me, because all of my time needs to be devoted on Christ if I'm to soak up all that I can of His brilliant love.
I am God's portion. And He is my prize. And He draws me in. His grace is so deep that I'm sinking. I'm being immersed again and again and again.
And the water- it heals my wounds. My iniquity sinks to the bottom of the ocean, and it stays there. In the presence of Christ, it's not going to resurface.

How beautiful is that?

I'm so thirsty.

Literally and spiritually.

Have you ever had one of those days where you just cannot quench your thirst? I've had one of those days today. It is a horrible feeling. I remember being on a mission trip once where the building we were in had no air conditioning and their water was warm. It was hot outside and no matter what I did I just could not get cooled. And I was just so thirsty all the time. And when I finally got some cold, fresh water I drank so much that it almost made me uneasy. But oh, how wonderful that cold water felt as I drank it. It is a wonderful feeling.
To switch gears momentarily, I have to share this random piece of information for the rest of this story to flow: I don't know what has changed within me, but I've been telling God everything lately.
And when I say everything, I really mean just about every thought that enters my mind, I say to God.
It's kind of strange, but also incredibly nice to stay in contact with Him, even though I'm not getting an answer or a response.
And today I was thirsty. So I told God.
God, I'm thirsty.
Then I realized what I had just said. Then I realized how my thirst has gone beyond my taste buds. It is in my soul. This desire to see change. This desire to be consumed with Christ. To be washed by him. Cleansed. Purified.

"On the last day, the climax of the festival, Jesus stood and shouted to the crowds, “Anyone who is thirsty may come to me! ³⁸ Anyone who believes in me may come and drink! For the Scriptures declare, ‘Rivers of living water will flow from his heart"

-John 7:37 & 38

I read this passage, and I said it again.
God, I am thirsty!
I am thirsty!
And I can come to you! I can come and drink! I can 'come taste and see that the LORD is good'! (Psalm 34:8)


I want to soak up as much of the Word as I can.

I want to drink so much of Him that it almost makes me sick- in a good way- if that's even possible.

I'm so thirsty.


And the beauty of the cross, the beauty of Christ, the beauty of the Word, the beauty of God's majesty, the beauty of God's peace and love and wonder and understanding and forgetfulness of my sins is this:
I will never be able to quench this thirst. There will never be a time when I will know God completely- know Him so much that my cup is just full enough. I will never know enough to quit learning. He will never run out of things to show and teach me. He is constantly revealing new aspects of Himself to me. My cup doesn't fill-
My cup overflows! (Psalm 23:5)
MY CUP OVERFLOWS, AND I'M STILL THIRSTY.


My God is so brilliant.

washed

So today I had nothing to do but talk to the LORD, and I feel like it was a productive talk. Very rarely am I alright with sharing my journal, because it is the deepest part of me that I reveal. However, I'm posting this in hopes that someone reads this and can relate and can find hope.
What I felt like I had to say today:

Your love is like the ocean. In one place it is like a tidal wave- it is deep and sweeps me away and it's frightening. While I am in it, I don't know what to make of it. It is powerful and mighty. I couldn't explain being in the middle of it if I wanted to. 
Your tide is unexplainable, unavoidable, unmistakable and unapologetic. 
Your ocean of love cannot be covered and cannot be tamed. 
But the beauty I find in Your love is this: in another place, there is a calm like no other calm. There is an unasked for but completely welcomed peace that washes over me like the water itself. 
When I'm not in these waters, when I substitute this peace for turmoil I long for these waters. But I grow afraid, because I have abandoned my first love- something so precious and unceasing- for something so ugly. And I am ashamed. Sometimes I fear that I have drifted so far away from your peace that I have forgotten what it is and that I won't be able to returned to it. I feel weakness overcome me. But I feel a pull from my heart like the moon pulls the waves to the shore. You are beckoning me to Your shore and there is a longing in my very soul that will not let me ignore Your name. 
Your ocean. Your deep, deep waters of love. 
It beckons me to come and be emersed in Holiness. I am washed. I am cleansed of my iniquity. The peace that I once feared gone runs over me like a rock in a river bed. It is a smooth calm. The waters of Your ocean rock me back and forth and I am remind of how you care for me.